"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand?" - Anonymous
I’ve felt like the victim of being misunderstood many times in my life before and I’ve always left those experiences, thinking ‘I will never let that happen to me again.’ In retrospect, I’m learning that it’s foolish to think that I could control people’s understanding/perception of me. As if, with all the people in the world, I will be the one person that will never be misunderstood.
That’s completely unrealistic. Although, I think you can give it a good try.
I think it had to be the vanity or pride in me that said I could become so skilled at speaking that I would never be misunderstood. Now my question is why do I care so much?
The most realest response I can give to that is simple. It hurts. I’m not going to create the illusion that I always care because I don’t. I’m just saying that when I care, it hurts when it doesn’t work out as planned.
To delve even further into that thought, I think it has a lot to do with my expectations of the other person. If I expect someone to be reasonable, I assume reason will always appeal to them. (That is also assuming that I am always being clearly reasonable). This can apply to emotion or even blunt force. Regardless, I feel I can make a decent attempt to match verbal communication styles.
I believe in the Law of Reciprocity in communication. Speak unto others as they would speak unto you. In this case, that means I will communicate back to you, how you communicate to me.
The lesson I’m learning now is how to better deal with being misunderstood, offended, misinterpreted, or mishandled.
In the past, my favorite resolve was to shut down and assume the person who misunderstood me was unreasonable and would always be that way.
Dramatic. Yes, I know. This evolved to learning different ways to communicate to help limit misunderstandings, which worked pretty well up until now.
Now, I realize that there are a variety of ways to deal with being misunderstood and they are all okay, depending on the situation. The point is: You will be misunderstood and it’s okay. These are my ways to deal:
Move on. This is also known as the “agreed to disagree” method. There are times when it’s just not that serious and there is no need to keep pushing the point. This is up to the individual because what’s important to me may not be important to you. I think you should at least try to honor someone else’s feelings. This also varies, depending on your expectation of the relationship.
Plead your case. This is when you try to appeal. Being married, it’s tough arguing because a lot of the arguments and rationales behind the arguments don’t change. I think this method calls for creativity and determination. This is usually a method, I attribute to big misunderstandings with people that are important to you.
When relationships are important to you, you try your best to understand.
Re-assess the situation (Surrender). This is a tough one. This can be looked at in three different ways: (1) This is a big deal to you but it’s a bigger deal to the other person, (2) This is not that big of a deal to you and you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or (3) you’re communication is ineffective.
This means that sometimes you’re just not clear, or even worse . . . you’re wrong. Sometimes, it’s not even about right or wrong. This is when you take a step back and say, ‘Maybe, I’m not being understood because I just don’t know what I’m talking about.’ This can also be where you say, ‘Maybe this really isn’t that big of a deal’ and revert to method A.
Take a step back. This is an option that I usually don’t take. I feel like it’s quitting, but it can be actually be a strength if none of the other options work. This is the option that can preserve relationships at a minimal state.
This is when you come to the conclusion that not only can you not reach an understanding, but future misunderstandings are very likely to lead to something more detrimental than walking away. I think this takes a deepened level of maturity.
Those are my thoughts, but I’m still processing. I’m sure I’ll come back to this and reflect as I grow.
Think Happy Thoughts :)
