Just One of the Guys

Like most of my crew of female friends, I have always been considered “Just one of the guys.” This is something that I'm proud of, for the fact that I love my brothers, but not because I down female relationships like a lot of women tend to do. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I’ve always understood the value of female relationships and never said things like “I don’t hang out with women because they’re too dramatic,” because I have. I’m just trying to say that I understand them better now and will always keep a close net of like-minded women around me; Although, this is a conversation for another day.

Today we will focus on male and female friendships. The good ‘Ol land of platonic friendships between women and men. I know it sounds crazy, especially if you’ve read any of Steve Harvey’s books, but it does happen.

For example, I have a ton of guy friends, whom I love dearly. I think a large reason that I leaned towards men is that I was raised with two brothers and a butt load of boy cousins. I had one girl cousin that I was with a lot of my younger years, followed by two others as I got older. Needless to say, they weren’t around long enough to be a major influence on my overall relationships.

I think part of what it takes to being “Just One of the Guys” is the incontestable ability to “Hang Out.” It’s funny when I think about it because when I’m with my girl friends, we always have to do something. Whether it’s the mall, movies, dinner, or talk; we have to do something. With guys, you just hang. You could say nothing for hours and just be around to laugh at something funny, which in turn solidifies your position as a good friend.

The other thing I’ve learned about being “Just One of the Guys” is that you just listen to them. It’s funny how we forget that guys have feelings because we feel like the men we date don’t. When I’m not just “Hanging” with my brothers, I’m listening. We will talk for hours when I just listen to them. Hours of feelings, their likes, dislikes, desires, as well as pertinent insight on the male psyche, which is valuable for any woman who want/is/will be in a relationship.

The benefits of “hanging” and “listening” are tremendously worth it. Guy friends offer support, protection, “man knowledge,” and loyalty. Women make the best “guy friend” because they provide things that men need, naturally. Plus, when you take out the relationships issues or attraction, you get a great companion.

It’s wonderful being “Just One of the Guys,” as long as you remember that being a friend to a man means that attraction and feelings get trumped at the door. Once a friendship is established, you should do everything to maintain that friendship, meaning no romance unless you absolutely believe it’s the real deal.

I think this is the hardest part about being “Just One of the Guys” for women. Building such a strong bond with a man and not getting to date him . . . unheard of. Especially, when he may feel the same way about you as well. You have to consider that a rash decision may cost the friendship, which means you have to decide whether your heart takes precedence over your relationship.

Friendship Math

Plus, Minus, or Neutral.

The other day, one of my very good friends told me something that, I felt was revolutionary to relationships as we know it! He said "In everyone's life there are three types of people. There are people that add to you, people that are neutral, and people that take away."Yea, I'm going to give you a minute to process this ingenious idea. . .

Processed? Great!

I know that this is common sense to someone, but to those of us that are either devoted to being the really good friend no matter what, or terribly selfish, it may be the defining moment for our relationships. This can be the point where we decide who is important to us and who we should let go. It can also be a space to understand our role in people's live and adjust to be better friends.

So let's break this down.

The PLUS side.

There are people in your life that add to you, which we will refer to as your "builders".There are people that can turn your positives into negatives for little to nothing at all, out of the pure desire to do so. This is a person in which you can put together an equation of your relationship with the good and the bad, and always come out with something positive.

For example, If you call a "builder" during your time of need, they respond by approaching the situation in your best interest. They look out for you as a person because they have taken a stake in your growth. This makes them the ideal friend.

The NEUTRAL side.

This group is tricky. These are the people in your life that bring nothing, take nothing, and do nothing. I they do add something, they may take away something and in the end it amounts to nothing at all.

We will refer to them as "Extras". The only thing Extras add to a movie is a body count. They literally get paid to fill space. Extras are tricky because since they don't really add or take away, there is no real need to keep them or get rid of them.

Extras in the example situation mentioned above, will either add sound advice or nothing at all. This leaves the decision up to you. If you need a person to fill space in your life, Extras can be beneficial. Extras also have the potential to be Builders, but because they are neutral, it can really go either way.

The NEGATIVE side.

This group is relatively self-explanatory and referred to as "Takers". Takers take. Simple enough. These are the people in your life that usually equate to something negative. Whether this is a boyfriend that always makes you cry or a friend that always expects you to pick up the check. These people leave you feeling a certain type of way that is rarely positive.

Although it seems like a no-brainer to identify Takers; they are not always easy to detect. Just like Builders these people can be very important to you, having deep, strong ties, but they still don't add after putting everything together.

For example's sake, these people are usually the one's calling for something and rarely the one's listening. These people will sometimes care more about their opinion than you're well being. These people can not always be considered friends.

The OTHER side.

The flip side to this is that we are potentially one of these things to the people in our lives. Understanding what kind of a friend you are, not only helps you to define what kind of a friend you deserve but what kind of friend you should be. You can get mad for a Taker being a Taker in your life, when you are a Taker in theirs.

For me, I wrote down the names of the people that added to me. Once I did that, followed by the things that they added, I stopped writing. I realized that I had a tight circle of supporters that meant the world to me. They added love, support, an ear to hear, and on and on and on. After writing their names, my only concern was how I could improve my side of the equation.

All and All, this was an interesting social experiment for me. I suggest that we all surround ourselves with a circle of Builders, leaving the Extras on the out skirts, and the Takers farther away from our hearts.

Keeping all things in perspective, be realistic. There are some relationships that take time to build. No one wakes up at the perfect friend. Children take from their parents for years without giving anything back. Sometimes you just have to be devoted to the cause. Other times, people hold on too long and miss out on other potentially great relationships.

Use discretion in deciding who should stay in your life and how much they should be given. Just do the math. The rest is up to you.

Philosophize This: A Theory on Knowledge

"To know the truth of history is to realize its ultimate myth and its inevitable ambiguity."
- Roy P. Basler

Generally, I have never been one to want to participate in philosophical arguments; Mostly because I feel like its pointless. In a lot of ways, philosophical arguments are a way to argue for the sake of arguing. At the same time, I think it can be somewhat entertaining to present logical conflicts in virtually flawless arguments.

Case & Point: The foundation of my theory on knowledge.

Logic versus Faith. One of the most frustrating arguments, which is usually attributed to the "great debate" of whether a deity exists or not, is validity. In other words, "How truthful is what you believe in?" and "How can you believe in something that you can't prove is true?" This is not about religion. This is about understanding that we all believe in a little magic, which only makes it fair to not be quick to cast judgments.

For conversations on Christianity, it seems like the first thing that gets attacked is the bible. Anyone who knows anything about the bible knows that it is something like a history/handbook/manual for Christians. After this point people can go a million different ways. True or not, everyone knows that this is a point of reference for Christians.

Believers and non-believers alike, resort back to the argument of logic versus faith: How can you believe in a book that was written thousands of years ago by people? Even better, when I was in high school, two of my peers were talking and suggested that they write a book with a whole bunch of crap in it and bury it, so that in a couple thousand years people could live by it.

Rude? Yes. Logical? Yes.

Unfortunately, the flaw in this logic is: Isn't this how all "truth" is acquired? Someone writes it down, saves it, someone discovers it, and we believe it. To make it even more "valid", we have "specialist/scientists" confirm the things that we believe with statistics that we can't track. How many times has the FDA approved a drug that was proven to be beneficial, to later have it recalled for ridiculously dangerous side effects?

Better yet, the world once believed that the earth was flat, African Americans were genetically subservient to Whites, and Pluto was a planet. All of these things were considered "truth," people took them for facts, and they were later dis proven. If all information has to be taken with a grain of salt, Don't we all practice a little faith? A Little Hope that the information that is presented is factual?

We consciously make the choice to believe everything that we choose to believe. This presents the idea that there is no such thing as the "faith-less" or "people that are simply devoted to the cold hard facts"; We all believe in something.

If faith is the belief in something that cannot be seen or proven, Don't we practice faith on a daily basis? And if all it takes for something to be truthful is someone's recollection of the history through a story or writing, then Why is it outrageous to take a book like the bible for what it is, a collection of acts and instructions from God?

We wake up and breathe, expecting to take in oxygen. We close our eyes and go to bed, expecting to wake up. We go to school and become educated, in hopes that the information is relevant knowledge. We watch the weather and change our clothes to dress appropriately. These are all things that we do on a daily basis that we establish a sense of hope and faith in.

Think about it.

I leave you with this: What is knowledge? What is truth? What's wrong with believing in something that you can't 100% say is factual? What's wrong with having a little faith?

No Dating in 2011 @#$!%

Dramatic. . .yes lol

What was I thinking!? I feel like in every sense of the phrase: “I lost my mind”. What single, heterosexual female, who is mostly sane, wants to willingly give up her right to date fine men. I mean, don’t you have to be insane to just say “No sexy man. . . I’m working ON ME!”?

Needless to say, I’m wavering on my decisions not to date in 2011. It’s hard being alone. It’s not even really a physical desire to have someone around; it’s the absence of mentally knowing that “He’s there.” It’s the idea that when you are with someone, no matter whether they are physically there or not, you are not alone in the world.

At the same time, I don’t really know how a relationship works when two broken people dive into it together. I think that there has to be some effort towards individual construction before someone can sweep you off your feet, but maybe that just me. I feel like "personal completion" is obviously not that serious because there are a million people in and out of relationships around me, some lasting and some not so much, but they do exist.

So does that mean, I too, should just give up my plight to “work on me” and “work on. . . us” ? “Us” being “He who shall later be found and named at a later point” and myself, as a dynamic duo of love and tackling stuff. . . together?

I really don’t know.

I think I started this thing because I felt like I needed to be alone, and somehow in my time of solitude, I would find myself and be graciously, rewarded with my Prince Charming. . . but maybe I was wrong.

I believe that it make sense for people to take time to self-evaluate and build but I don’t know if its while waiting for their special someone or by putting the whole process on hold. I also don’t think anybody else in the world cares whether they are ready or not, they just want their one. I'm starting to agree.

As for now, I will stick to my no dating in 2011, until someone causes me to change my mind. Wish me luck or sanity. . . either one works for me :)

The Good Die Young

Life is a very complex and involved process that we all go through, yet all deal with differently. Some of us take life by the horns and face things head on, while others of us are just trying to make it through. Either way, there are only two things that are certain about life: you are born and then you die.

I've heard people say that life is not about the beginning or the end but the dash that tells the story of your impact on the world. I couldn't agree more. We all have a beginning and an end, but where we differ is in our actions. Every choice we make defines us as human beings, to ourselves and to those that hear our story and see those actions.

This is somewhat of a tribute to a great man who passed on yesterday leaving two beautiful children and a grieving wife, as well as those of us that are still here. Even more specifically, those of us that are already thinking the journey is over, when there is so much more to explore.

This man was a radio personality for WSB radio in Atlanta. He collapsed in his home last night and died of unknown causes. He was a man who was committed to helping children of incarcerated parents, serving at his church, being a good father, and being a positive contribution to society. I did not know him for a long time, but in our few interactions during service efforts, He was an inspiration. He was only 43 years old.

In the past two days, I have had two conversations with two different friends that are my age about how life is closing towards death. In a sense, they're right but we could have so much more life to live!

At what ages does one start to think that they are getting closer to death? Technically, in this mode of thought, my 8 year old sister and 6 month old niece are in the same boat, right? They're definetly not getting any younger.

It is terrible to think that we are so unaware of how important the time we have is, while a person who has everything to live for passes away. This man was 43 years old, twenty years our senior, and he was so involved, active and full of life. He didn't give off the vibe that he was thinking he would be gone soon; but the vibe that he enjoyed his life and took every day as a day to live life to the fullest.

There are so many people that didn't know when it was going to be their turn, so what makes us think we can say how much time we have left? And if we can't say how much time we have left, why wouldn't we focus on the life we have left, over the impending doom of the death that is coming regardless of whether we focus on it or not.

"Youth is wasted on the young," because we don't understand how important the time we have is. We waste our time on things that aren't important, while the elderly now understand the importance of life. I would assume that "The Good Die Young" because we stop living before our time. I hope that when I'm 80 years old, I will still be 80 years young. I hope that I can go to sleep everyday at peace with the idea that I can leave this earth at any time and have truly "Lived."

Case & Point: My heart goes out to the family of that great man and my advice to my peers is to: Live everyday like its your last and it wont matter when it's your time.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?

I can't really get down with every thing that Alicia Keys says or does but her song 'Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart' has been a song that has graced the essence of heartbreak like no other. If you don't believe me, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srMBZiqNMaM

Over the past year, Alicia has moved from an amazing songtrist to somewhat of an amazing, home wrecking, songstrist, but just listening to the lyrics of this song, you can't help but wonder what she went through to capture the raw emotions of heartbreak. There are a million songs about love and love lost but not everyone deals with it the same. Some people cry, others shut down, while others get angry. There is no telling what a person will do when they deal with that unreachable pain of losing the one they loved.

Just recently, I was sitting in my living room, on the computer and it struck me: I, too, am suffering from a broken heart. I, too, have been sleeping, living, breathing in pain and have been asking others to feel the pain that I had yet to acknowledge was there. Just trying to find a way to feel some relief, without having to really deal with the pain. Deep, right? I know.

One of the hardest parts of acknowledging that something is over is when you say things like, "I'll always be in love with you." I like that Alicia adds this to the lyrics because I've heard this a thousand times. This is the thing that holds our hearts captive, yet sets us free.

An idea that the power of emotions that you feel for a person will last well past their existence in your life, can be a motivator or distraction. It can mean, "I can't move on because I will always love you" or "I can move on because I know that my feelings for you will never change."

The best part of the song is that she says,"Tonight, I'm going to find a way to make it with out you." She is taking a proactive stance with her heart. Proclaiming that regardless of the difficulty, she will go on without this person. This, for me, is one of the hardest parts. I imagine that once you have came to the conclusion that you will love someone forever, making the decision to move forward without them is like leaving a dying soldier on the battlefield amidst war. It's not an easy choice to say the least.

As much as you would like to take them with you, you risk your life staying in that place with them for longer than is healthy for you to stay. At the very center of it, it's the decision to choose life for yourself, when there is no longer life in a situation.

For me, this can be my most self-destructive time. Usually this is when people eat, sleep, stay indoors, find a rebound or anything to ease the pain of loosing someone they love. It always takes me a while to accept that longest and hardest way is the most beneficial in the end. Taking it one day at a time and dealing with those raw emotions.

"Anyone could have told you from the start it was going to fall apart," is one of the parts of the relationship that we never admit to. Most times, I know when a relationship is going to end, either in the beginning or somewhere thereafter. This only intensifies heartbreak. During the relationship, you have to make a conscious effort to stick through something you and everyone else knows isn't going to work and then eventually watch it fail. Dealing with that causes you to put more blame on yourself than any one or any thing else because you knew it wouldn't work. In essence, you feel like you did it to yourself.

At the end of listening to the song, I felt better that I wasn't truly alone in my bed. There were others working through these same emotions and falling in love again in their own respective corners of the world, and I would as well. It's encouraging that there is love after love lost. As much as it feels like it would have been better to have never loved at all, that same love that we hurt from is the power that drives us to love again.

"There are those among us, that are blessed with the power to save what is loved by another, but powerless to use this blessing for love themselves."

Work it out!

Today, I went to the physician for my annual check up and after violating me in almost every way possible, my physician talks to me about my exercise routine. Anyone who knows me is aware that my "Work Out Plan" is non-existent, meaning it doesn't exist.

I'm not proud of it but as a young, generally slim, black woman, I have always been afraid to work out for several reasons: I don't want to loose my butt, I don't want to be super buff, and I don't feel like I really have the space and opportunity to do so.

The issue with most of my rationale is that it is completely irrelevant. There are simple ways to rectify all of these concerns and still be a healthy, fit individual. Even if I couldn't solve all of my issues, working out is apparently more valuable than having those things or not. With this new information, I decided to research for some further information to motivate my lazy butt. Hence 7 benefits of working out, thanks to http://www.mayoclinic.com/:

1. Exercise Improves Your Mood: Well, this is great and all but I'm a generally happy person, minus being a tad bit emotional at times.

2. Exercise Combats Chronic Diseases: This is awesome! Almost anything that you can do that is free and saves you money is worth it!

3. Exercise Helps You Manage Your Weight: This is honestly why I never wanted to work out, but I think maintaining weight is something that can be beneficial to people that feel that they are already a decent weight.

4. Exercise Boosts Your Energy: I guess this would help me, when I didn't get enough sleep.

5. Exercise Promotes Better Sleep: I don't really have trouble sleeping but for those of you that do.

6. Exercise Can Put The Spark Back In Your Sex Life: Definitely not my concern at the moment but if you are looking for this ;)

7. Exercise Can Be -Gasp- Fun: I guess we'll see about that!

I can't consider all of these points "motivation" but I can say that I will try to put a little more effort into taking care of me. I think they really could have just had one point, "Exercising is beneficial to your life PERIOD." If that doesn't motivate you, I don't know what else would.

Cheers to good health!

Reference: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/excercise/

Introducing. . .Myself ♥

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely" - Mae West

When I first started writing, it took me a long time to begin. This was mostly due to the idea that I wanted to make sure that the full intention of the blog was always in plain sight: to share, to encourage, and to inspire. I thought about making my first post an introduction of myself, for obvious reasons, but after thinking about it I felt like it would be better if people didn't focus on me. I wanted to introduce myself through my writing, to give people a chance to identify. At this point, my writing has triggered some conversation among friends on aspects of my life they may or may not have been privy to. Therefore, I found it necessary to make some things clear.

So, the inspiration of this blog has been a few conversations that left me thinking, "Wow, this person has no idea who I am." I don't know if you have ever had that experience but in my case, I usually try to give my closest friends all of me: The ugly, The uglier, and The ugliest. Well, maybe not that bad, but you understand where we are going here.

At one point I prided myself in being a person of integrity. A person that was honest with people and didn't accept anyone in my life who didn't accept me for me. Which worked out really well of course, until it happened. "It" being one of life's low periods that tend to define us. This was a point in my life where I was questioning everything: Who I was? Who my friends were? Who my family was? Who God was?

My series of questioning threw me into a whirlwind of changing my priorities and sequentially changing me. I don't think that the me that is here today is not the me that went through my two years of questioning, but I also believe the same in reverse. I was always me, it's just that everyone met the me that they wanted to meet. I didn't actively try to project anything. I was more interested in trying to see them, than what they could see in me.

At the end of this journey, I came out stronger, wiser, and better; but lonely. I came out realizing that I had to reform myself with some of the old me and some of the new me. The scariest part of this process is that unfortunately, some of the same people that were around me may not be the ones that are with me at the end of the process. That's a hard thing to come to grips with when you grow fond of people. It's even harder to know that you have to let people go because they no longer understand who you are.

With all that said, I must introduce myself to the people that will be getting off at the next stop, and the passengers that will ride to the end of the track. I'm a christian, black, female.

I am christian first because I identify with God before I am identified with my color or sex. It is the part of me that I chose at 14 years of age and the part of me that has kept me sane in the 10 years thereafter. I don't identify with any denomination but I don't shy away from any either. The summary of my belief can be put into two words: Faith & Word. I have faith in God, Jesus, Baby Jesus, the holy spirit and I believe that the bible gives us instruction on how to live.

I am black second because before I identify with my sex, I identify with my culture. A culture that is wrapped up in strength, struggle, pain, and community. I will jump up with my brothers and sisters before I jump up for most other causes. I believe we as a people have always believed that we rise and fall together, not until we came west did our opinions change.

Lastly but not least, I am a woman because that's what I am. I have to identify with my sisters because we have issues unique to us. There is nothing like the bond between female friends. Nothing like it. I love my sisters and they have helped to shape me into the woman that I am today.

After these things, I am generally happy, artistic, dramatic, emotional, thoughtful, caring, loving, and silly. I love to laugh. I love being in love. I take a million pictures. I cry a lot. I am strong, but I'm weak with those that I can be weak with. The list goes on.

There a lot of things that I am and there are a lot of things that I'm not but in all of that: I am me. You either take it or leave it. I love me. I can't say I care too much if you feel the same.You have to love yourself before you love anyone else. This is true for many reasons but on the lowest scale, it is for you to know who to love. It helps you to love people that can love you and know that you have to love others that can't, from a distance.

I'm loving me. You should love you too :).

People Hurt People. . . Hurt

"Hurt People Hurt People" - them

We have all heard the saying "Hurt people hurt people," and normally I would agree, but for the sake of this blog I would like to address the contradiction to the idea that we must only look out for "Hurt people". I believe that just as a wounded dog will be more likely to attack out of fear, "Hurt people hurt people" out of a place of pain.

At the same time, I don't remember the requirement for hurting someone else, being that you had to first be hurt by someone else.

For instance, when a toddler begins to reach for different individuals in their family, they don't necessarily have to experience any type of hurt to choose one over the other. This is something simple and innocent, but it hurts sometimes. When you reach out for that child and they withdrawal, as if you are the last person in the world they'd want to be with, it can hurt. In efforts to redeem ourselves, we usually try hard to earn that child's affections; Yet, this little scenario doesn't quite fit the profile that it takes a hurt individual to hurt individuals. Is it possible that people hurt people, hurt, wounded or perfectly fine?

I think we want to find something wrong with a person when they hurt us but sometimes there is no one to blame but the order of the world. It really makes me wonder if, people were suppose to hurt others, like it was something ordained by the cosmos from the beginning of time. Is there some great lesson in being hurt by someone else?

I don't really know. I think you should learn from every experience in life just because it helps make us better people, at the same time, most people that are hurt by others vow to a life of solitude and swear off human contact. I don't think that's the way to go either.

At the end of life, I think I would like to be at the point where I understand that people hurt people, intentionally and unintentionally. Just like there is a good and bad side to me, there are different sides to other people. I can't take every hit to the heart and when it's all said and done, I should try to make a habit of learning who has enough good in them to stay in my life and who has enough bad to leave. This is a process no one can fault you for.

Learn your limits and accept the concept that some hurt comes with caring for another person, not just hurt people, but people people. It's a part of the process.

Live, Love, & Prosper. (Too much? Okay.)

Hello world ♥ It's Grind Season: Welcome to 2011

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." ~Benjamin Franklin

5. . .4. . .3. . .2. . .1. . . Happy New Year!

"I would first like to thank God for my 24th year on this planet. I can't say that everyday has been the greatest, but I can say that I'm thankful for everyday that has passed and everyday in the future that is not promised. I love you first and foremost and I plan to show you more in this year, with your help of course."

This may be news to all of you but I LOVE NEW YEAR'S DAY! Call me what you want but I think any day that celebrates new beginnings, past blessings, and the appreciation of life is a great day. Some may argue that it is what we should do everyday, but we don't; Henceforth, the day.

One of the most negative things that I hear on New Year's is: "I don't know why people make New Year Resolutions when they are just going to fail." Well, excuse me, person who has never attempted to do anything and failed. Such is life. Not every one accomplishes the goals that they set out to accomplish in any start, whether it's New Year's Day or April 3rd, but point of the matter is the hope in trying. What kind of argument is it to say, "I'm just not going to try an do anything different so I won't be like those people?" Doesn't that make you the same as them, just minus the effort in trying?

In any rise, there is the hope that you will reach the top with the motivation, drive and effort to do so, and in any fall, there is that same hope with the absence of success, yet there is still a hope. The idea of the hopeful who aims high and reaches their goal versus the hopeless who sits and lets life happen is my motivation for this year. I would rather hope for something and find that there was nothing to hope for, than hope for nothing and find that I was wrong. I feel like faith, hope, and drive is the pathway to success and that's where I intend to go.

So, I encourage you to be hopeful that you, life, or your circumstances can great better, if you are not where you want to be, yet be grateful for what God has already done. Continue to try to grow and one day you'll look back and say, "Wow, look how far I've come!" Failure is not considered failure until you give up. We decide when something is over. So whether you're goal is to lose 20 pounds or stop smoking, you can do it!

For me this will be a year of personal and spiritual growth, two things that I may have to do alone most of the time but I truly hope will make me a better friend and support to someone else. I officially welcome you to "Grind Season 2011," don't forget to Eat: Indulge in life, Pray: Keep God first, and Love: Learn to love yourself so that you can effectively love the people around you.

Good Luck ;)