Marrying "My Perfect"

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage" 

- Martin Luther

Last Saturday, on November 24, 2012 at 11 AM, I married "my perfect." I've had a lot of nicknames for important people in my life and have major issues with duplicating those name, which is why my husband would naturally be a name that I can't exactly top. 

For years now, I have been under the impression that society's view of perfection has been perverted into something unobtainable. Perfect is not necessarily with out flaws, yet " having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be." That means something completely different than flawless, at least to me it does. To me, perfect is the exact ingredients (characteristics) needed. So, my husband is "my perfect" because he is everything I need in the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Many people, greet newly weds with the question, "So, how does it feel?" To what, for a few days now, was very hard for me to answer. In response to most people, I told them that it didn't feel any different or I responded with "it feels weird." I felt like, I was letting people down so I decided to take some time to dig a little deeper. In my dig, I still didn't find anything profound to say about my feelings after marriage, but what I did notice is this unfaltering peace. 

The peace I felt was the same peace that met me at the alter, when it was time to say I do. That same peace that came during our first sitting together. It was a peace that surpasses my understanding of the things right before me, behind me, or well into my future. There was comfort in knowing that this was "it" and it was "perfect." Perfect because I've seen glimpses of his worst and I made a commitment to love him through that. Perfect because he's seen me in lights, I wouldn't dear let anyone else see, and he still calls me beautiful. Perfect because I've seen him and I love every part of it. Perfect because the parts that I don't like, still don't turn me away.

Marriage seems like this journey of commitment to the worst in someone, who you're completely nude with, physically, emotionally, mentally, and physically, with an expectation to be hurt and still give them your best. A major trust game. I think it's easy to love someone and commit to all the wonderful things about them but the worst? That's when things get real. 

I'm just happy to say that I married my best friend. I'm happy that our wedding went the way we planned it and the honeymoon was amazing. I'm excited for what life will bring. I'm proud to carry his last name and I hope that I can be the wife he needs and wants. 

Pray for me y'all. I'll be praying for us too.  

31 Days until "I Do"

"One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time." 

- David Mace

Tomorrow marks 31 days until "I Do" for me and my husband-to-be. As much as this time is the beginning of something, it's also the end of something too. It's the end of an era. A pretty rocky one, but an awesome one nonetheless. I'm embarking upon a new journey and not only me, but a whole other person with me. It's just a tad bit scary. 

I find myself collecting as much wisdom and words of advice as I can. Trying to figure out the tricks and prepare myself for the hard times. It's a very sobering time. Everything seems as if it is beginning to slow down and I am continuously contemplating questions like, "How does marriage work?," "How does it fail?," and "Is there anything I'm missing?" 

In a month, I won't have the same name. I will walk down the aisle and vow forever's and always into eternity. I'm just saying. . . this is some heavy stuff. One should really take some time to think about these things.

As final preparations are made on decorations, final touches are being made on my heart in preparation for "I do." I'm really hope that I'm a decent wife. I don't want to be an "over-achiever," just enough to get by. (just kidding). I hope that he's a good husband but I believe he will be. 

The waiting game begins. 

In efforts to not wait in vain I'm going to finish the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, as well as brush up on my marriage scriptures and Proverbs 31. If you have any words of advice or encouragement, please feel free to write in our guest book. It would be greatly appreciated :)

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Something New

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

I can't really describe how I feel at this point in life. By "point," I mean like this very second, as in "right now" as I sit on my bed and write this blog. In summary, I think I'm all of the emotions together. I'm happy, excited, angry, frustrated, tired, alert, annoyed, disturbed, content, and yea. . . the list goes on. 

I wonder if this is how everyone feels when they're in transition to something new. I feel like I'm just waiting to get somewhere, kind of like when you are on a bus, train, or plane (whatever your preferred means of transportation) and you begin staring off into the window. In those moments it's like everything stops, so you have just enough time to reflect on where you've been and where you are going. You know you're getting closer, but you're not there yet. Although, in these moments, I always wish I was there. At least for the sake of knowing what is to come, if not anything else.

I'm anxious to be transitioning to something new. In addition to something old, something borrowed, and something blue. I'm anxious to be in unfamiliar territory. I'm fearful of the unknown. What is married life going to be like? What will my career look like? What does being a mother feel like?. . . and Will I be good or at least "Okay" at ANY of these things.

You just don't know.

Today, my fiance and I were speaking to the young adults in our youth group about what was going on in their lives and it seemed like a lot of them had their minds on their own transitions. One person, in particular, seemed to feel a lot like I feel about marriage, my career, and everything else, about transitioning from High School into "Adult life".

It took me back to when I was 18 and I didn't know what was to come. I didn't know if I was going to make it into college. I didn't know if I would make it out. I didn't know if I was going to stay with my High School sweetheart. I just didn't know.

The cool thing about life is that sometimes the unknown holds pleasant surprises. When I was 18, for example, although I really wanted to go to UGA, I ended up going to Spelman College and it was one of the BEST things that has ever happened to me. Memories like these remind me that something new can be just as exciting, as it is scary but it can be just what the doctor ordered. 

So now I'm preparing for something new. I expect that God has something great in store and I'm hoping that I'm strong enough to be great along with it. I'm trusting that the desires of my heart are whispers of God's heart and clues to my direction and purpose. I guess I have high expectations, but Hey. . . they haven't failed me yet! (Or I just can't remember when. . . so it doesn't count)

Either way, it's a learning process. Life is filled with moments that define your dash. I want my dash to say I lived life to it's fullest extent, with dignity, courage, and wisdom. . . and with guidance. So, I'm moving forward. 

Wish me luck on my something new. ;)

Marriage & Friendships

So, apparently when you get married . . . your friendships change. Who knew? I mean, this may seem clearly obvious to some people but this concept was not that obvious to this girl. Who, might I add, I think is pretty darn smart.

I’ve been thinking about how things change when people get into relationships and have come to the conclusion that marriage is like . . .the ultimate friendship breaker or maintainer. It’s like any friend that your spouse doesn’t really care for, or that just can’t seem to fit into your newly found joint schedule could potentially become “you remember that one person.”

This, to me at least, is unfortunate because I hate losing people. I think in most cases, you get to keep your really important friends, but what those relationships look like, will most likely change.

When I was in high school, I stayed on the phone until 6 AM with my two best friends almost every night. When I got into my first relationship, it’s seemed easy enough (to me, of course) to maintain my relationship with both of my best friends. One of them, I was dating, and the other was my girl Best friend, who I am still best friends with today. All-in-all, things changed but nothing major. Right?

Ehh.

I may not have openly recognized the change but my girl best friend did. I remember her saying, “I just feel like the third wheel.” I always thought it was weird because we all did the same exact thing, or at least in my mind we did. In reality, WE all changed. He and I flirted, held hands, and ran off to be alone, which wasn’t anything like what we did before. In response to us, she began looking for a relationship and no too long after we drifted.

 The only way things could be the same is if we all dated. . . and since that wasn’t going to happen (despite his efforts lol ::insider::), the relationship had to change.

Now that I’m a “grown up,” I’m coming to grips with what a husband will mean in relation to my friendships. As always, it’s my best friend who helps me to realize the things I refuse to acknowledge without a fight.

She helps by saying things like, “No, it’s okay. We can get off the phone. He’ll be your husband soon, so I have to get use to that. J” She’s not upset or anything. She’s actually extremely happy for us. She just does it out of respect for our relationship. It’s just something about the way she says it that makes me feel like “the end is near.”

Then I think, well what about all of my other relationships!? If my best friend and I won’t talk as much, what will happen to my other relationships!? What about my guy friends!? What about my single friends!? What about all my FRIENDS!????

Maybe I’m spazzing out a little (Just a little) but these are my real life thoughts.

From what I’m beginning to “understand,” my relationships WILL change and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a part of growing older and more together . . . all at the same time. I think you should make every good attempt to maintain your relationships but I think that the people who last, change with you.

In the hierarchy of things, your husband becomes your partner in the front part of the two-seat roller-coaster of life. You guys will go through everything together . . . kids, ups, downs, maybe some more kids, and other things (You like how well-versed I am in marriage lingo? ;p) Either way, your friends are UBER important, but that whole spouse thing takes the cake every time.

With that being said. . . I don’t plan on losing any of my friends. I just hope that everyone understands that our friendship may not look the same. I’m sure he’ll work with me while we’re figuring it out.

Live.OUT.Loud

Becoming Bridezilla

 

When I was younger, I knew several girls who seem to have their whole wedding planned out. From their dress to the favors to the guest list, all they needed was the groom to complete the picture perfect vision of pure bliss and matrimony. In my opinion, these girls were psychotic.

Harsh? Ehh, I mean . . .how you gonna plan your whole wedding day and think that your future husband will have no opinion or say in the whole thing? How do you even have time to focus on a wedding day and you still don’t have a man? I always thought that my wedding would be something that I would worry about when the day came. Actually, I never thought of it, which makes that last statement a lie.  Of course, this was a very strong and acceptable opinion held by my old self.

My new, happily engaged, but stressed out from wedding planning self, thinks a little differently about the girls who are yet and still single, but have no questions about their day. There was a point in life when I talked about those girls. . . and now. . . sadly enough, I envy them. To add insult to injury, I encourage every single woman that I meet to plan ahead, despite how crazy they may think it is. I image it would be a lot less stressful for them, than what’s going on with me right now.

Now, not only do I understand why a little early planning is not crazy, I also understand the science behind becoming bridezilla.

I never in my life thought that I would be the type of bride that was short, angry, and hard to please but slowly yet surely I’m beginning to see the horns growing. Despite the fact that I have no idea what I want in all of this, I only have roughly 3 months to plan. Some may argue that that’s my choice BUT I would like to argue that I am just trying to do what feels “right” to me.

My fiance, then boyfriend at the time, and I prayed coming into 2012 and one of the things that were clear as day to us was that God was going to allow us to be exposed to everything that he had in store for us in the future. So far, we have made business plans, music, graphics, worked in ministry, like-minded communities, mentored, did a little speaking, and have heard rave revues for confirmation that we were in the right place.

All of these things that we’ve been exposed to, were new to us yet seem to perfectly fit into our God-given purpose. When he proposed to me on July 27, 2012, we had every intention of getting married in April of 2013. That, of course, was until I started to get this anxious feeling about getting married in 2013, versus starting our covenant in the same year God blessed to be the beginning of many great things for us. When 2013 wouldn’t sit right with me, I talked to him about trying to make it work in 2012 and he was all for it.

EVERYONE OF COURSE (which is a part of my stress) keeps asking us “Why so soon?” To which we respond, 2012 was a really good year for us and we just wanted to keep it in 2012.

So anywho. . .

Here we are, planning to get married on November 24, 2012 and I am not the nicest person in the world. I think one of the biggest misconceptions that I had about getting married was that this whole thing was about me. WRONG. It’s not about me. It’s about family and friends who want to see you get married. This means that you get a second, third, and forth opinion about everything from where you can get married to who is on the guest list.

My question was, “Who’s putting in? Oh. . . not you. Hmm. . .”

I just feel like, IF in some alternate universe I could do whatever I wanted to do and no one would get offended, I would have a small wedding. My wedding would be in some small town with a few people that I adored, with a small reception before running off to some island and spending one-on-one time with the love of my life.

This plan doesn’t work for individuals, like me, with extremely large families and way too many friends. I’m not complaining. I’m totally blessed. My only issue is that if this truly was about me, I wouldn’t have to think about 300 other people that may possibly feel some type of way about my ideal wedding.

In general, this is potentially the beginning of me turning into a monster. Pray for me yall.

Plan ahead.

(Try to Think Happy Thoughts)

It's My Birthday. . .YAY!

"Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it." – Fyodor Dostoevsky 

 I want to start off by saying that this year has been AMAZING. I really don't know what advice to give (as far as re-producing an amazing year) but I will say that I think it had a lot to do with a change of heart, so to speak. Maybe even a change of mind . . . and soul.

What I do know, is that something happened to me when I started this journey back to myself and I'd image that anyone who felt lost should do the same. Walk backwards and start over.

Just to give a brief overview, about two years ago. . . I felt like my world was in shambles. So much so, that I ran away to a Christian Camp that I use to counsel at, just to breathe. Like life was just that bad, from a very difficult relationship, to a bad financial situation, to just about anything else I could imagine at the time. I sacrificed my freedom, essentially, to run away to the woods and spend time in ministry. That was 2010.

At this point in my life, it seems like a whole other lifetime. Yall, when I say I was broken into pieces. I was shattered. There was just so much going on. I felt so stuck in a body or life for that matter, that I could not escape from. The best way to describe it was in my post called Distorted Reflections, which in summary breaks down this feeling of living a life that was not my own.

In January of 2011, I made a decision to find myself. This decision was accompanied by this blog and a few promises to God and myself: (1) I shall Eat (Indulge), (2) I shall Pray (Reconnect with God), and (3) I shall Love (Learn to Love myself). Through 2011, I not only found God and myself, but Love also found me :). I finished 2011, feeling like I was coming out of fog.

This year has been an AMAZING year. A year, filled with life, love, and joy. 2012 has brought me a Fiance/Great Friend, a family that is beginning to pull itself back together, and friends who are coming into there own. 2012 has come with clarity in my purpose, ministry, vision, and stability. Man, 2012 has been great.

Why am I telling you about all this greatness!? Well, Today is my birthday and I am officially 25 years old. In my short life, I have been through some things and although I am more certain everyday I don't know everything. I do believe that I have learned a few things about how to find joy in your life. These are things, I want to share as a gift to you on my day.

The most important thing that I have learned in my 25 years of life (Don't laugh older people lol) is to never loose sight of who you are. For me, that means someone who can't breath without God, that means someone who desires purpose, and someone who has discovered now that her purpose is to positively impact the lives of others. When I went to find myself, I found my foundation and what really brought me joy and all the lies fell away.

Lies that I needed a man to validate me, or that I didn't need anyone because I was sufficient in myself. Lies that the world's standard was my own. I learned that the perfect balance between who I am and who God is, is all that I need to understand to move forward. I grew a lot.

So, my advice to you is: "When in doubt, Go back to the beginning." Right now, I'm enjoying my life more than I ever have before and I think it has everything to do with this process and understanding.

Thanks for Reading!

Live.Love.Laugh :)

10 Things You Don't Understand Until You Get Older

"Youth is wasted on the young" - Georgia Bernard Shaw

I've always felt that I have been rather mature for my age, but as I get older, I realize that the key to that phrase is: for my age. No matter how mature we are, the hope is that, with age comes more wisdom. I think another way of saying it is that, life experiences teach us the lessons that our parents probably wish they could have programmed in us from the start. The more life we experience, the more opportunity we have to learn from it.

Does these mean that you can't be a foolish older person? Clearly, we all know that you can. The trick is that wisdom is available to anyone, but it is something to be sought after. An individual's years on this earth is not synonymous with wisdom, but opportunity to get wisdom.

At, (almost) 25, I am hoping that in writing this, I still have enough youth in me to understand my predecessors, with enough wisdom to speak of things to come. This is my attempt to share some of the things that I did not understand until I got older and hope to not forget. 

10. Never say Never: There was a point in life when my best friend and I had a list of never's. To this day, we laugh at our selves and all the things we thought we'd never say, do, or think. What happened to the list? Let's just say that the list is non-existent at this point in our lives. Now, when one of us even thinks to say "never," the other quickly corrects her and says "Never say never. You remember the last time we said never," followed by a lot of laughs. 

Set standards. Not limitations. Be open. . . with caution.

9. Friends may come and friends May go: When I was in high school, I could not stand females. I thought they were just catty and emotional and other than my best friends, I did not want any other female friends. It's funny, looking back on such a short period of time and seeing those I thought would be here forever, as distant memories, while people I thought I'd never be friends with as my closest friends.

For this, I think you just have to be able to recognize true friendship. Everyone is not suppose to be, nor do they need to be your friends. At the same time, don't make presumptions. Let nature take it's friendly course. 

8. You will change: This may be hard to swallow, but it happens. Things change. It's the artist formerly know as progression. People evolve. Some for the better and some for the worst but it's a natural process. You should not and will not be the same person you were at 15, when you are 25 and you're hope should be that the 25 year old you is a lot better, smarter, wiser, etc. than the 15 year old you. #imjustsayin.

7. You will be something like your parents/caregivers: As much as my younger self would have made and attempt on my life for saying this, I must say that I am a lot more like my mother than I would have once projected to be. It's almost like a trick that you fall into and one day you begin doing things like they did. Now, take this with a grain of salt. Our parents, as all people, have their pluses and minuses but regardless of what we do, they are a part of us. 

I think even if you wanted to change it, you first have to acknowledge that some of them, made it into you and if you don't want it there, you have to actively change it. In my experience, I realize that I'm understanding my mother a lot more now. She is suddenly making more sense and our relationship is a lot better because of it.

6. You will always remember critical points in life: There are many points in our life that are classified as critical moments in our brains. Depending on what stage in life you are, it could be your marriage, or your first C. Either way, these are things that we don't forget. Again, Carpe Diem, but remember that our life is filled with moments, some great and some not so great. As much as you can prevent the "not so great," try it. Don't give yourself battle scares if you don't have to.

5. Your feelings will change: In general, this just means that although turquoise may be your favorite color in the whole wide world . . .it may not be in a few years. In my younger years, I thought I would never abandon orange, but as I grew older I realized that I don't really have a favorite color. Go figure.

4. You will have to figure somethings out on your own: Have you ever heard the saying, "It get's lonely at the top?" Well, it doesn't really apply here, BUT as you get older, things change and people expect you to make your own choices. People expect you to make the decisions and know what you are talking about.

Which translates to, take advantage of the information you take in. We spent our whole entire childhood, in school and being educated. Take advantage of those opportunities because by the time you are an adult, people just expect you to know. Period. That whole "I'm young" thing just doesn't work after a while.

3. Things in your past, have a way of catching up to you: Seriously though, be careful what you do on Spring Break. Honestly, be careful what you do in general. Whether that's eating unhealthy or being mean to people or being a little TOO FRIENDLY, if you know what I mean. . . what goes around, truly does come around. You don't want nothing crazy coming back to bite you in the behind.

2. Crazy in love changes to "I love you, even though. . .": There were several times in my life that I JUST KNEW I was in love. Boy, you couldn't tell me nothing. I just knew that love was this uncontrollable, emotional reaction that was wild, fun, and free. . . right? Not really at all.

When you get older, you may find that love never changed, but it's you that begins to understand the true meaning of love, being eternal, unrelenting, fierce and unconditional. Love becomes a choice. Not a whirlwind, but a conscious choice based on two individuals that need something. It's a partnership. In some instances you will find that the person you are with evolves with you and you can be together forever. On the other side, your idea of who you want to be with changes to more practical characteristics, like "Understanding," instead of "He needs to be 6"8 and play basketball."

Just listen to your gut. When I was in High School, my list of qualities was 45 items long. That list was pretty ridiculous. At the end of the day, the man on the list ain't got nothing on the man I'm going to marry.

1. You will get older: As long as you are alive on this planet, you will age. Your body will change, you will move slower,  you will get tired, and the list goes on. Be mindful and thankful of everyday you can be young, while still thinking about how you want to live when you're old. Take care of your body, both in the food you put in it and the thoughts. Stay positive and stay open.

Keep alive. I have faith in you.

Eat. Pray. Love.

Forever waiting to press GO

"A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else." -George Savile

Do you ever feel like you're always waiting for the next big thing? I do. I always feel like there is always something to look forward to, something that makes "right now" seem just a little less attractive. On one side, it's optimistic to always have hope for more, yet on the other side it's never being satisfied for what life is at each and every moment. It a nutshell, it's impatient.

Por ejemplo, when I was 16, I wanted to be 18, so that I could move out. (What teen doesn't?) When I was 18, I wanted to be 21 because. . . I mean, it was 21. When I was 21, I thought well 25 is when you really grow up. Mind you, now that I'm almost 25, I'm really hoping my life continues to advance with out aging a day, but one can dream, right?

Anyways, this isn't just a problem in my age. This is also a problem in my love, professional, and academic life. When my best friend and I were in high school, we couldn't have imagined anything better than having a boyfriend. As life went on, it progressed. When I graduated from high school, I couldn't wait to finish college. After college, I didn't waste any time getting my masters and after almost a year and a half of solely having my Masters, I feel the twisted compulsion and agonizing desire to march forward towards my PhD. I just can't be satisfied.

It just seems like now is never enough. 

My friends would probably say that this is normal for me. Maybe even suggest that my continuous desire to leave/go/exit is inscribed in my DNA. Yet, I'd image in all the people in the world there is AT LEAST one other person like me. . . right? 

I fear that marriage is slowly becoming my desire, just so that I'm no longer stationed where I am, but then what comes next. . . children!? Something has got to give.

I just feel like I'm forever waiting to press go. I'm always anxiously waiting for the next BIG thing to happen. Yet, this is where "virtues" and "wisdom" come in. This is when sayings like "Don't forget to smell the roses" and "Take advantage of you time" should settle in ones mind and calm all anxieties and fears. . . right? 

The secret must be balance. Mind you, it's hard for me to image anything in life that doesn't take a tinsy bit of that. Regardless, the answer to my struggle with "go, Go, GO!," must bewaiting and hoping for better, but being fully engaged in every moment of the present. (If that is even possible).

It must be balance. 

It must be that we do not forget to admire the stones that make the building, as well as taking pride in the accomplishment of the final structure. It must be balance. When I think back, I'm forever grateful for the stones that are steadily completing my mountain. I've just never had the patience to admire them, while building.

C'est la vi. With this understanding I will try to smell my roses, while lacing up my shoes to take off. I will try to be patient but prepared and I will try not to look so far ahead into my future, I forget my present. "Try" being the word to highlight, underline, and circle.

Think. HAPPY. Thoughs.

Wife [wahyf] – ( n.) a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse.

The other day I had an epiphany that married people may laugh at but I, a twenty-four year old woman that has never been married, found quite enlightening. This profound moment of my life happened when I was sitting down, just thinking about how one day I would like to get married. As I thought of all of the wonderful-ness marriage would bring, I suddenly realized that I have no idea what it takes to be married.

My thoughts literally went like this: So wait . . . if a wife is different from a girlfriend, then does that mean she does different things? What type of things does she do? It can’t just be that the wife has legal rights and the girlfriend doesn’t, or can it? How does one even stay married for longer than 5 years?

For those of you who know me, this pretty much instantly put me into panic mode. I immediately began to think, “How can I ever get married, if I don’t even know what a wife does!?” This, of course led me to harass my boyfriend to make a list of his ideas of what a wife could be, in addition to researching and thinking of all of the women I could interview. At some point, I realized that there is no “one” answer for what the difference between a wife and girlfriend is.

Although in my opinion, a girlfriend shouldn’t be doing everything a wife does and a wife should be honored way more than a girlfriend. Anyways, with that, I came up with the type of wife I want to be.

I want to be the type of wife that doesn’t worry about her husband, because she’s confident in who she is an secure in her relationship. I think what kind of wife I want to be, goes hand-in-hand with what type of woman and mother I want to be. I want to serve. I want to serve my family and those in need outside of them. I also want to raise children who serve, and who understand the value of humility.

I want to be a blessing to my husband. I want to make his life better, by me being in it. I want to continue to be a hard worker. I want to be diligent and make sure that things are provided for. I want to be a team mate. I want to huddle up to plan for the future and make those hard decisions together.

I want to be a good cook. I don’t always want to cook . . . but when I do, I want it to be amazing. I want to keep things orderly and I want my family to follow suit. I want to contribute and make smart investments. I never want to be in a position where I’m always taking, but I want to know when my giving limit is dwindling.

I want to be a teacher and a helper. I want to be myself. I want to be productive, creative, humorous, and faithful. I want to be wise and trustworthy. I guess I want to be perfect.

And although I know that’s not exactly realistic, I think the man I marry is going to be something short of amazing.

Are Women Natural Naggers!?

ATTENTION: This is a "No Men Allowed" post, which means that if you are male, mentally, emotionally or physically. . . You can exit stage left. ::Pauses for exit:: Just in case, you (man) has decided to continue on and read this, I just want you to know that this by no means justifies you calling a woman a nag. This is just an unanswered question that I would like to pose to the female (mentally, emotionally, and physcially) population.

Thanks,

Managment.

As you all may or may not know, last year I went on this "Eat Pray Love" journey, which was like my God love, self-Love . . . self-discovery trip. This journey included a long list of self-indulging "To Do's," as well as a list of "To NOT Do's." One of the things on my "To NOT Do" list was "get into a relationship." For clarification, that means I was NOT suppose to get into a relationship. So. . . needlesstosay, this was something that I did NOT do so good at.

Just to save face, I will say that I did add that IF my dream guy came during this time period I would not say "NO, I MUST EAT, PRAY, LOVE. . . GET THEE BEHIND ME." Yet and still, I did say that I would just focus on me. . . which is fairly hard with a man.

ANYWAYS. . . the point of this post is not to discuss my failures but my issues. After a year (as of next week) of being in a relationship (Yay, Us!), I find myself with this increasingly urgent need to nag. It's like something innate that births itself in every conversation and results in my very wonderful boyfriend, thinking that he's just not so wonderful.

WHAT IS THAT!?

Is it just me? Am I cursed with a "nagging" gene? It's like one second I will be talking to my boyfriend about life, love, and happiness and then two seconds later I'm telling him something I don't like. I can't say that he is without flaws, but is it a female trait to have to address EVERY flaw?

I honestly have no idea. I just know that I'm starting to feel bad. I think part of my motivation to address EVERY little issue is that I really want to be pro-active about problem areas. I don't want to be one of those women that look back 30 years and thinks, "If I would have just told him that I don't like the way he chews on the first date, then we wouldn't be getting a divorce now."

Okay maybe the issues are a little bit more important BUT yet in still. . . How do we address issues without becoming a nag. That's what I want to know.

Help a sistah out.

Body Image & The Sauna

"Respect My Sexy" - Me

Do you know how many different body types there are in this world!? I thought I knew, but not NEARLY as much as I know now, especially, after going to JeJu, a Korean Sauna in Duluth, for the first time. First, I would like to thank my best friend for requesting a spa outing for her 25th birthday (Happy Birthday Za Za!). Although, I was super tired and felt like I was on the verge of death, I must say, JeJu def knows what it's doing.

Only $25 and you have access to a hot, warm, and cold Jacuzzi, wet saunas, dry saunas, hot saunas, cold saunas (if that makes any sense), food, mats to go to sleep, massages, showers, and the list goes on. I think it took us about 30 minutes, just to explore the options. 

Regardless, one of the things that was a little hard to take in, at first, was that one of the first rules of JeJu is that  none of the wet activities can be done with clothes (In other words, you have to be BUTT NAKED). Go figure! I can't really say that I thought I was liberated enough to walk around sans clothing prior to this trip,  with women I know and especially not with women that I don't know, all in the name of relaxation. . . so, as one would imagine this was a little difficult for me.

This was difficult for a couple of reasons, starting with the fact that it was weird. Let me correct that, it was weird to me. I have never been completely naked in front of my friends before. . . Let alone, "randomers". Another reason, this was difficult was because I couldn't find the point in it. . . like why would you just be naked. . . for no reason. Lastly and probably most important, I didn't want to see any one's naked body, nor did I want to share my own.

So. . . when it was time to strip. . . I did mine in s l o w  m o t i o n. Looking around, seeing if any one was looking and covering my goods. It was pretty intense for a moment. Fortunately, the two friends that I came with were naked before I could say. . . well, naked.

So, once I got over the nudity. . .The spa was WONDERFUL. So wonderful, that the nudity quickly became one of the things that I loved about it. Seeing so many women of different backgrounds, colors, ages, shapes, and sizes really challenged me to think about how I felt about my own body. I thought about how silly body image was in a room full of naked women, some un-scarred while others were scarred, some big, others small, but all beautiful and unapoligetic.

Which can very much so translate in the regular, clothed world as: Everyone has their imperfections, but we are all beautiful and other than health considerations, you have to learn to love your body, as well as your innerself.

All-in-all, Jeju was therapuetic for my body, as well as my soul. I highly suggest it! :)

Think. Happy. (Naked). Thoughts.

The Value of "Sorry": Settling Debts

“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.” - Dale E. Turner quotes

What is in a word? One can conclude there is a lot in a word, while others may conclude the opposite. I think it depends on the formula you use. Society, Context, The "Reciever," and the "Deliverer" all have a part in adding or reducing the value of words. For instance, the word "nigger" may mean nothing at all to someone in Japan, but what if that word is exchanged between two Americans strangers, one white and one black, during a heated debate at a grocery store in Georgia. Take that same word and put it between friends of the same race, culture, and origin and you may get a different value.

Words mean nothing without the meaning behind it, yet they can mean everything with it.

Recently, my word has been "sorry." It's ironic how we spend most of our lives analyzing what people have done to us, never really addressing what we do to people. Whether intentional or unintentional, I don't know one person who has never offended someone. In my case, there were several. There were several people in my life that I've had a negative encounter with, that I did/do not know the effect that encounter may have had on their lives.

This bothers me.

As a person who has been deeply hurt by people in the past, I can't live with the idea that someone may STILL be hurting because of what I did to them. Even if I feel its unjustly so, or they had fault in it as well, it just doesn't feel right to not, at least, attempt to make peace when you know someone is still hurting because of you.

So with all that, I set out this year to settle my debts. More specifically, there were three women who I have encountered over the past 6 years that I've felt could have been negatively effected by something I did. In two of these cases, I didn't feel that I did anything wrong but I knew these women could potentially still have negative feelings towards me. Either way, I felt it necessary to reach out, apologize, and open the door for dialogue.

Of course, in the back of my mind I was also considering that: this person may be completely over it and I am just kicking up old wounds by bringing it back to their attention OR this person may hate me so much they don't respond or worse, they do.

With all that taking into consideration. . . I still did it. This has been a growing experience for me. In one case, I had an old friend write a response about how they generally didn't care about me and a lot of things. (Yea, that's pretty much EXACTLY what she said.) While in the other two cases, I'm waiting for nothing or to get ripped a new one. . . fun stuff.

Would I do it again? Totally.

I think forgiveness or repentance is a two part process. Just  because one person either forgives or repents, it doesn't mean the other person has to accept. I think it's a separate journey for both individual people, which means everyone isn't always going to meet up at the same place.

Regardless, I think it's necessary. I think it's necessary because people want to hear or know that those who have hurt them feel some kind of remorse, whether that's a secret or open desire. For me, I had to consider my own feelings. There is not one person who has ever hurt me deeply that I would not appreciate an apology from. I mean, I don't loose any sleep over it, but if anyone of them ever reached out to say sorry, I would appreciate that.

For me, this was a humbling experience. I hope that for the people I've reached out to, this creates a space where healing can begin or closure can be achieved. I hope for those reading this, that you may be encouraged to try to right your wrongs as well. Despite the fact that I was not rewarded for this with a parade and confetti, I feel better knowing that I have made an attempt to give someone the right to closure, understanding, and peace.

I don't know, just something to do I guess. :)

Think.Happy.Thoughts.

The Crazy Things I Do For Love

"When love is not madness, it is not love." - Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Over the span of my life, I have been in 3 official relationships (4 if you include the "unofficial" one) and more if you include (which I don't) the "in-betweens". These experiences have been both good and bad but BOTH the good AND the bad, have helped to shape the woman that I am today. After each relationship, I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want in a partner. So, after my last relationship, as one would imagine, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted in "The One."

So much so, that I told God (Yes, I actually told God) EXACTLY what I wanted. On top of what I wanted, I added that I didn't want to date ANYONE who was not it. IN ADDITION TO THAT, I told God that I DID NOT WANT the acquaintance that just recently re-surfaced in my life. Especially, not him.

It wasn't that I didn't like him or wasn't attracted to him. I mean I didn't look at him "like that", nor did I know him well enough to think anything about his personality. I just remember thinking about how messed up I was and how I didn't want to be responsible for messing someone else up. I remember hanging out with him for the first time and thinking about how exhilaration it was. After recognizing the symptoms of falling, I did what I thought was best by fervently prayed against it.

With that, I pleaded with God. I prayed that he would only be a friend. JUST a friend. I was adamant about this because I was so just so tired of the "in-betweens," "almosts," and "Coudashouldawouldas." I felt like with all that I wanted, I couldn't risk falling for someone that I would potentially hurt with all my brokenness. As mentioned previously: I was a mess.

Well, you could imagine my surprise when after a few weeks (or a week. I don't really remember the exact timing) of hanging out, he asked me on a date. I almost died, I was so shocked. CRAZY THING #1: I accepted the date. At this point in my life, I wasn't even interested in anyone. I wasn't even trying to go there. I was kinda hoping that even if we did go on a date, there would still be hope for escape back into the loving arms of friendship. I was thinking, "One date shouldn't completely kill the hopes of friendship, right?"

This is usually where my best friend would say "Woman. You know he's going to fall in love," and I would laugh it off and life would proceed as normal. Not this time.

CRAZY THING #2: I fell quick. I just remember the day he came into my life (again). Everything that once seemed like a raging storm became as quite and peaceful as snow fall in a calm winter night. It was almost magical how everything changed. I remember feeling like the there was no hope left in the world and then everything just made sense. So much so, that even my friends noticed and commented on the change. This is something that I just don't do. Every other relationship took years to establish. With him. . . not so much.

CRAZY THING #3: I put it ALL on the table. I felt so deeply about this man, I told him EVERYTHING. This may not mean a lot to everyone but let's just say my closest friends don't know EVERYTHING.I don't like sharing my inner most thoughts and feeling, nor do I like sharing everything I've ever been through with everyone. Everyone doesn't understand everything. Another girl with intimacy issues, go figure. Long story short, he got the full picture quick and with full detail.

CRAZY THING #4: I put down my shield and waited for him to judge me. I can count my moments of pure vulnerability with anyone on one hand and this man came into my life for less than a month before I took down the fence, let the dogs run free, and fired all the guards. I let him in. All the way in.

CRAZY THING #5: I gave him ALL my time. People didn't see me anymore. . . and if they did. . . he was there too. CRAZY THING #6: I sacrificed my power to him. I mean, he didn't start telling me when to use the bathroom BUT for the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. . . I felt 100% comfortable with another human being's judgment. Even when I didn't feel 100% comfortable, I still felt like I would give it a try because I trusted his decisions. I have trust issue, but with him you couldn't tell.

CRAZY THING #7: I sacrifice being comfortable for him. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do. . . PDA (Public Displays of Affection). No hand holding. No hugging. No nothing. Not only do I not do PDA but I don't do anything I don't want to. Not the case here. I love being close to him, no matter whether we are alone or among a billion people. He makes it all worth it. On top of that, I want to (for the most part) participate in the things he likes JUST BECAUSE.

Is that nauseating or what?

It didn't take long for me to recognize that I was in love. The last CRAZY THING #8 is that I don't give up on him. I mean sometimes I try but that is where he holds it together. My motto: "When things get tough. . . get going." With all that I've been through, I would willingly abandon ship at any sign or turmoil. He has helped me see that there is another way.

Apparently, I've met my match. . . and that is worth every sacrifice that I've had to make. In other relationships, I thought they were "it", so I did "Crazy things" to hold it together. In this case, I do "Crazy Things" or things outside of my comfort zone because of love. Love is God's greatest gift, which is fully worth the "Crazy."

Even through disagreements and battles, I know that he is the only one I want to fight with. He is the only one I want to do crazy things for. He is the only one I love.

Feel free to share some of the crazy things you do for love!

Until next time. . . THINK.HAPPY.THOUGHTS

HBCU L♥VE. . .

"I am not tragically colored. There is no great sorrow dammed up in my soul, nor lurking behind my eyes. I do not mind at all." -Zora Neale Hurston 

I just want to start by paying tribute to where this love began. This love of my skin, my heritage, and the blood that flows through me. This love of truth, because it set me free. I pay tribute to my Alma Mater Spelman College for giving me and education that was worth more than I could have ever hoped for.

This post is not just for Black people. I think we all do a good job of having conversations in our quiet, inner circles but we do not do a good job of having those conversations out loud. In the open, where not only people like me can hear but people who are not like me. In this, "like me" doesn't only mean skin color, nor does it only mean "poor" or "middle-class". "Like me" can mean female, intelligent, medium height, or just human. We have more in common than we would like to put on.

Yet, there are differences and for those differences are the very reason why I will continue to sing praises to HBCUs.

I remember the day I fell in love with HBCUs. It was during Spelbound, an over-night stay at Spelman for girls who are considering attending, and I still wasn't sure if I would go to Spelman or Agnes Scott. I wasn't raised in a family that helped you prep for the SATs or who even had a long line of people that attended traditional colleges. I was pretty much alone on figuring out what route I was going to take. Thank God for divine order, because the only reason I even got to Spelbound was because Spelman sent me and application in the mail, I filled it out and later found that I was accepted.

I wanted to go to UGA. For what reason, I don't really know. I think that at that point that's where most of my counterparts (of lighter persuasions) were considering, so I figured it was the best school for me. The issue is that UGA would be perfect for them because they knew who they were and their history. They knew that the only thing standing between them and their goals was the motivation to get there. They could do anything. As much as I believe the same for all people, that we ALL can do ANYTHING. . . There's a lot more standing in the way for some of us than others.

I remember driving up to Spelbound with my mom, looking out the window at the women of Spelman cheering upon our arrival. When I tell you it was like stepping into a time-zone. . . I thought I was in a different world. The campus was beautiful, but even more beautiful was that this was the first time in my life I was surrounded by so many beautiful, educated, Black women. When I tell you, I was sold when I got home, I didn't even think twice about going to Agnes Scott's over-night. Again, nothing against Agnes Scott but this "Spelman" was unique.

In my 18 years of education, the most I learned about the wonderful things that Black people could be capable of was in my 4 years at Spelman. After Honors classes, predominantly white schools, the news, and the history I was taught, I knew that some Black people could be great but somewhere in my heart I also felt that we as a people were condemn to mediocrity. I still feel that education is one of our most powerful weapons as people but in education, we need to know the answers of why: Why do Black people have a history of not voting? Why do Black people perm their hair and bleach their skin? Why is Black ugly?

I love HBCUs because, in my opinion, it's the one place in the world tailored towards the success of Black people and breaking the cycles of our history. HBCUs give Black people the education to understand and to communicate the issues of our community to make the change.

I once heard someone say "Well, why would you go to a HBCU when the world is not like that. You have to learn how to deal with other people." I believe the answer is in the argument. I went to an HBCU because the world is not like it. It's unique in that it was the only time that I could be free to learn on my own terms and feel good about being who I am. I believe HBCUs cultivate Black people with the confidence to go into a society that the more successful you get, the lighter you are, and stand firm, knowing that they are still capable beings.

I believe that the majority of the institutions that are Historically White, meaning at some point people of color were not allowed in and even after are still very limited, have been doing the same thing HBCUs are doing for decades. Yet no one says to them, "Well, why would you have a school that's predominantly white, when in the world you are the minority. Don't you have to learn to deal with everyone?" Of course there are laws that aim for percentages but that doesn't change the culture. The difference is that they are already in their "HBCU," we are the outsiders.

I understand not every Black person will want to go to an HBCU, nor should they have to, nor can I say that it is best for them. I can only speak from my experience. This is just why I love HBCUs.

My only advice is that we all be aware of where we came from so that we don't repeat ourselves. I ask that we all check ourselves for inklings of self-hate and we all find a space where we can be free to grow with out the unnecessary hindrances that someone long before you set up to trap you. I hope that one day, schools teach ALL history and there would be no need for places that only focus on one group, but until that day. . . I believe in HBCUs.

The Ups & Downs: Emotional Balancing

Life has been some what of a balancing game for me. It's filled with ups & downs, in which "ups" often blind me of everything that happened in the "downs" and downs often torture me with all the memories of my "ups".

As I get older I realize that the only thing you don't have to work for is "downs." They come, whether you want them to or not. They can ruin your day, your week, your year, or your life. "Ups" can be worked towards, but they aren't always a reward for something awesome you did, yet they're not guaranteed. Ups can be a good job, good spouse, good food, I mean really it can be anything.

Life is filled with both the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly.

So, if you can't avoid "downs" and "ups" come and go. . . how do we survive this life?

I personally feel this question shares the same answer as the key to high life satisfaction: Optimism, Joy, Happiness, Peace, Faith in something beyond you (Goodness, God, etc.), etc. It's learning to appreciate the ups without forgetting how you got there and staying positive during the downs, as well as hopeful that another up will come. This is what Balance is to me. Balance is staying grounded, no matter what the weather outside looks like.

When I was younger, I always heard people say "If it's not one thing, it's the other." For the past 2 months I've been looking for a new job, while also trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. The only thing that I was sure I wanted, was stability and money (Of Course). During this time of unemployment, things got REAL. After a month, despite the fact that it was the holiday season, I was frustrated that I had no real leads. I was thinking how horrible life was and how all I wanted was a job and then life would be perfect, but then I began to think 'Well, what happens when I get a job. . . then won't something else have to go bad.'

I really hope no one else thinks like me because honestly, it's quite tiring.

So anyways, I got a temp job (WHICH WAS AWESOME) and then about two weeks later, I got an offered a full-time job (YES!) and (OF COURSE) I accepted. Now, life is great right!? Yes, it is actually, but after getting highly peeved today it further occurred to me that happiness/joy/peace or "ups" are optional. When something challenges my ups, I have a choice to allow myself to go down with my "downs" or let those negative emotions keep it rolling. Dwelling in sorrow is a dangerous tango.

I choose not to partake. As hard as it is, I'm choosing to stay grounded. I'm grateful for two jobs now because I remember when I had none, and when the downs do come, I'm bidding them adieu, just as quick as I say hello.

Downs are inevitable. Ups come and go. Balance, Peace, and Joy is optional.

Choose wisely.

Attention Whores Anonymous

“There are so many attention whores out there, prostituting for people's acknowledgment” 
― Jason Myers, The Mission

This could totally just be me but are we not growing into a society of deprived attention whores? In introspection, I realize that even I, once quiet-natured and nearly invisible, have begun to allow how many likes, follows, and views I receive govern my self-worth. Was the world always like this or is this truly a product of the age of social networking?

It all started in good fun. Creating a profile "All about you" was a way to show the world who you are but when did we get to the point that we even thought people cared. For dating, it makes sense. . . it's like romantic advertisement, but does it work the same for who you want to be friends with?

I guess the real question is: Is it right for it to work the same for who you want to be friends with? Clearly, it does. I have "FB Stalked" hundreds of people for little to no reason at all "just because" and in some cases, their profile sometimes made me think "Hey, they seem like they would be a really cool person to be friends with." On the contrary, I have run across FB pages that made me re-think relationships that had already been established in real life. It's just the power of social media.

As an outsider, I like being able to go to a page "All about you" and gather information to make conclusions about you as a person. Yet, for the one making the page, isn't it narcissistic to create a whole website centered around you for no purpose other than to . . .  well, talk about you? 

To be completely honest, this post has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the fact that I realize that I am now an attention whore. I take pictures, whose only purpose is to function as a profile picture. I find stuff that I like and immediately post to see how many other people will like it to. I write blogs that I think other people will find interesting so they thing that I'm deep and introspective (which I am). I am a complete attention whore. 

My question is. . . when does it end? Is there hope for a generation that is defined by how many virtual friends that they have? Does social media leave people as either in or out, with no in-between? I don't know the answers to any of these questions but I do think that I need help developing a rubric for "Signs of a potential Attention Whore." Maybe it will help, maybe it won't.

I realize that sometimes that one like by that special someone can make your day. . . or that random re-tweet can make you feel like your words have value. . . but what happens when no one likes it? Does that qualify you as unimportant or un-pretty?

I guess the other option is for none of us to care what anyone thinks and have little to no impact on anyone's life. Hmmm. . . that just doesn't sound as cool. Ahhh Well. . . 

AWA Out.

God-Break

Recently, I have been experiencing this feeling of impending doom, which can be applied to my relationship with my significant other, God. . . life. Ironically, this feeling has come at a point in my life where I am beginning to feel like God wants me to move. . . and I don't want to. I mean, it's not exactly like anything has happened to me directly to make me feel this way. Nor has anyone told me that this is what I need to do. I just know. It's like this pull that let's you know exactly who it is and what you need to do, without any action or words.

This scares me.

At some point in life, I welcomed this "all-knowing" feeling but now it's freaking me out. Like seriously. It's causing me to ignore God, start fights, cry, violently seclude myself and all of the other things that emotionally irrational people do.

So, when in doubt. "Slap thyself."

Well, not exactly. I did realize that I need to get to the bottom of this issue. This feeling was no where to be found prior to this call from a "higher power." Yet, as soon as I started to recognize that God was involved and slowly drawing me in. . .I began to hyperventilate. So my question is "What am I afraid of?"

This is the question that I have no answer to but I do know how to find out. I need to be alone. . .with God. After talking it out, seeking counsel, and having a few fits, I realized that the one thing that I know always works is spending time alone with God. This can be done with fasting or as a form of meditation, but at the end of the day its me recognizing that I can't always accomplish what I need to with someone else. There are somethings that can only be addressed with Him.

Some times I jump from Facebook to Twitter, friend to friend, hang-out to hang-out, all to escape a feeling. Whether that be fear, emptiness, self-hate, or whatever, sometimes being alone is just the thing I need to do to address it. There are many times in my life when choosing to be alone with God was the difference between self-discovery and self-destruction.

I can't say this is something that I do often BUT it is something that has always worked for me. So, with that being said I'm taking three days to figure out this fear and pressing task that has been placed on me. Pray for me.

I'll let you know how that goes when I get back!

Sex & Ministry. . .

"For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more"

Luke 12:48

This has been a topic that has been on my mind for longer than I can remember. From what I've been taught, it is somewhat of a paradox because sex has NOTHING to do with ministry. So much so that unless, you're married, you really shouldn't be having sex AND be in ministry. I guess to take it a step further. . . as a christian, you shouldn't be having sex before marriage at all.

I feel like I'm going to have to make this disclaimer, a million times, but by no means am I condoning sex before marriage but at the same time. My conflict is and maybe it's just me, that it's dealt with totally wrong. I would go a step further and argue that most sins in the church are dealt with in a way that not even God seems to justify the reaction.

For example: (John 8:1-30) When a town moved to stone a woman who had committed adultery, under the law. . . Jesus responded "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." After that everyone left, one by one. Jesus asked the woman "Has no one condemned you," and after she responded "no," he replied "then neither do I," and the last thing he spoke to her was, "sin no more."

Is this not how the church should deal with ALL sin? I think people would argue that there are different levels of severity to sin, which may or may not be true. People may also argue that you must completely turn from sin to minister to other people. One thing I don't think anyone can argue is that all sin equates to unrighteousness and anyone who is unrighteous will be condemned. This makes righteousness seem pretty difficult, BUT Jesus came to atone for sin so that righteousness could be achieved through faith and love.

Regardless of these known truths, we seem to still qualify sins, leaving "Big" sin and "little" sin. Unfortunately, sex before marriage is a "Big" sin, along with homosexuality, adultery, blasphemy, and murder. When I was younger this is what I believed. Yet, as I grow older I no longer believe that the ways in which we classify or condemn are the ways in which God intended, after sending his son.

With that being said. . . How does one deal with pre-marital sex and ministry? Even more specifically, how does one deal with someone who is unmarried and sexually active and in ministry?

For the first question, the options seem to be from my experience to: (1) Condemn, (2) Seclude, (3) Ignore, and/or (4) Teach in Love. I think condemnation is a popular approach. Condemnation just means that you declare it as sin and state the repercussions thereafter, for example, "Sex before marriage will lead to Hell." Seclusion is a second favorite, which usually includes removing that person from activities, relationships, and some times "God." This can sound like, "Since you are a sinner, you can no longer participate and honestly, I don't think we can be friends. . . I mean you know God can't stand to be around sin." Ignoring is something I don't think many people do, which really needs no explanation but requires not acknowledging the sin or person, at all.

Teaching in love is an approach that requires understanding, knowledge, discussion, and a desire to get to the bottom of the issue with a genuine concern for the individual. This can look like "I've heard that you are dealing with this issue. I believe that God's intention behind pairing each individual to an opposite counterpart under the commitment of "marriage" was apart of a larger design. I want to share my understanding, but I'm also interesting in learning how you feel about this." I think this can also be referred to as a understanding or dialogue approach.

For the latter, do these options change when dealing with someone in ministry? I think the options are the same, with the addition of the concept of "Accountability." This is something that each individual should ascribe to, but in ministry, just like in any leadership position, the question of "Is this the behavior that you feel should be replicated in the people that are following you," should be asked.

I think it works the same if you're a parent considering your children. The question would be, "Am I behaving in a way that I would want my children to behave?" Some might argue that these questions would automatically equate to being righteous, or in this case, abstinent but I think the other side of it is considering how we want God or others to react to us when we mess up. Regardless of how many "Big" sins you have managed to maintain. . . sin is sin. Which means that if you have hope that God will have compassion and forgiveness on your "Little" sins, you should operate in the same way.

My personal opinion. . . righteousness is a heart condition. Jesus came for sinners, and regardless of whether you think you're one or not, He came for you. He came for me. Every christian should strive to be sin-less for the love of God.

In reference to this topic, I've been on both side of the fence. I have been the one condemning, secluding, and ignoring. It is only now that I understand the heart of a sinner who urns for God's compassion, because that's me. Now I understand that SEX, HOMOSEXUALITY, LYING, CHEATING, BLASPHEMY, DOUBT, MURDER (and all the other sins) & Ministry have EVERYTHING to do with each other.

This by no means justifies sin, whether that's sex before marriage or anything else. This is just perspective on dealing with one specific type of sin. If we teach and aim to understand, in love. . . then we will make the biggest impact.