Am I Ready For Love?

"I am ready for love/ Why are you hiding from me?/ I'd quickly give my freedom/ To be held in your captivity/ I am ready for love/ All of the joy and the pain/ And all the time that it takes/ Just to stay in your good grace. . ." - India Arie (Ready For Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8)


Last night, I got into bed around 12 midnight, worn out and ready to count sheep. As a closed my eyes and pushed away the cat, who was trying to cuddle against my face, a sudden feeling of loneliness crept into my heart. I can't say that I handled it in the most calming of ways because the familiarity of it all made me panic. It was cold, empty, quiet, and lifeless. Who can sleep like that!?

Well I guess, people can sleep like that, its just that there is nothing fun about feelings of loneliness. Sometimes we choose to go into solitude, but other times we are backed up into it with a pitch fork and fire, which needless to say is not cool.

My default, to this sudden onset of loneliness, is usually ALWAYS to reach out to someone, anyone, just another person that can make me feel. . . not alone. This can be a family member, friend, acquaintance, ex-friend, anyone, honestly. The main focus at that point is to not be stuck in loneliness. AVOIDING MYSELF AT ALL COST.

In my brief moment of "Freaking Out," I suddenly asked myself, "Why are you so afraid of being by yourself?" [This was a real self-defining moment, btw.] Why would I not want to be with me? Technically, I live, sleep, and eat with myself everyday. Sometimes I share a laugh with myself, remind myself to do something, or I may even surprise myself with a special treat (I can't afford).

Even worse, in all of this before my epiphany, I thought "Ugh, Things would be so much better if I just had a boyfriend." BEEEEEPPPPP! WRONG ANSWER!

Relationships are wonderful when two healthy people enter into one, because then they can grow together and help each other grow. I'm not there yet. I think I will be a great girlfriend, and loving wife one day but right now? No. Other evidence to support this would be that, my thoughts of having a boyfriend only come up when I'm lonely! (Just in case you were wondering, That's Terrible!)

I already started of my non-existent relationship thinking about what he could do for me and not what I could bring to the table, other than my random lonely relief needs. I mean, despite the fact that my fantasy boyfriend would know my needs before I told him and bring me ice cream, he'd still be human. . . and a man, which is two kinds of complicated.

So my question is, "Am I ready for love?" Do I really want to share my time with a completely separate individual just to stamp myself as 'not lonely'? Do I really need to be with anyone if I can't be alone with myself?

Drum roll please. . .

The answer is no, I'm not ready. As much as it would be nice to love, laugh, and live out my hopes and dreams with a gorgeous, well-built, intelligent but funny man. I'm still not at the point where I can tell someone else how to love me, until I love me. I can't love anyone else until I can't wait to get home and spend time with me or I can sit with myself with out thinking a word but know where I am and where I want to be.

I refuse to be another broken half, looking for completion. I want to be whole.

So now on to the easy part, falling in love with me.