The Halle Berry Effect: Do men want what they can't have?

The question of the century is not: "Will there ever be world peace?" but "Do men want what they can't have?"

Okay, maybe there are other questions that are more prevalent, but it is an interesting question nonetheless because it presents the statement: Men don't want what they can have. This could explain, cheating and infidelity, neglect, or any of the many issues women attribute to men. There are countless examples of this phenomena all over the media and in everyday life, but in an attempt to be thorough and brief, I'm going to just give two examples.

For the first case I present to you, one of the most beautiful women in the world and the inspiration for this blog, Halle Berry. How is it that most men will declare that Halle Berry is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but she is single and remains this way? Not only does she remain that way but she has been cheated on several times, has had at least two divorces, and has had more public break ups than most other mildly attractive actresses. So, what's really going on here?

As always, I must take into consideration that the problem could just be her, but if we also consider that most of the break ups have been attributed to her male counterparts being umfaithful, we have something to think about. How can the most common of women hope that a man will love them forever, when the most beautiful woman in the world can't have a long lasting relationship? I would hope that no one would base their love life on a star's dating history but I do think it's strange.

If that's too far of a reach, lets consider the other side. I have had several friends that have dated a girl they liked enough to date, live with, love even, but not forever. This revelation for the female has always been devastating, yet the male deems it fair because it's his desire. Does this mean that men are incapable of monogamy and commitment, or is it that men just want what they can have? My natural progression from this question would be, if Hally Berry was more accessible, would she still be considered one of the most beautiful women in the world?

I honestly don't think so. I think Halle Berry is beautiful, but I've seen beautiful women that loose their appeal because of their "accessibility." It seems like beauty is measured not only in the symmetry of an individual's face, but in their exclusivity, as well. Does that mean, as women, we should be less accessible to appeal more attractive? Umm. . .Yes and no.

I say 'yes' because I feel like women are beautiful, as a whole, and it is the most well kept secret since Jesus's birth in Nazareth. To keep it simple, women don't know their value and therefore men don't know. Women who have higher standards seem to give off a vibe that they are worth more, which limits their accessibility, making them more appealing. Hence, Halle Berry is the most beautiful woman in the world.

On the other hand, woman that don't understand their worth have a higher tendency to grant access to those that are not deserving. They tend to loose sight of what makes them beautiful and fall victim to the Halle Berry effect, which in this case, is being less desirable because of accessibility. Hence, when Halle Berry grants access to a man, they no longer see her as desirable and they look elsewhere.

Yet, I don't believe women should play 'Hard to get,' just to seem more appealing and avoid this phenomena. Men refer to this as 'Playing games,' which I would refer to as being manipulative. I believe women should hold themselves in high regards because they're worth, not for the purpose of 'catching' a man; Especially when the man is the one that looses interest. Hence, I still believe that Halle Berry is one of the most beautiful women in the world.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm talking about, I just wanted to present an idea. I do believe that things are more desirable when we have less access to them, but I can't say this is applies to people, nor can I say that this applies to all men. All I can really say is that beauty is beauty and women should take pride in that. Women have the obligation to love themselves and wait to be with a man that is deserving of her.

Food for though.

Bah Humbug: Introducing Ms. Scrooge

First and Foremost, Merry Christmas to all that celebrate it and Happy Holidays to all of those who do not!

This year my mother has canceled Christmas. Extreme, I know. Everyone was a little shocked because my mother is really one of the nicest people in the world, so for her to cancel Christmas, it's kind of a big deal.

Regardless, the rationale for the cancellation of the watered-down, heavily marketed version of Christmas this year is due to my 8 year old sister. Every child has tantrums, some more so than others, but during one of my sister's "moments," my mother made a threat to my sister that would change the course of Christmas in 2010. If you haven't figured it out by now, that threat was, "If you're not going to behave, then no Christmas this year."

It seemed like my sister understood the threat, but unfortunately for all of us, she didn't care. Next thing I knew Christmas was canceled. Immediately my mother started to have second regrets, but I encouraged her that it was the right thing to do. I felt like the tantrums were to the point that she needed to make a statement and if that meant no toys, that she honestly didn't deserve in the first place; It was fine with me.

One thing that I didn't realize was that my mother meant no Christmas for everyone. In my opinion, this was a little bit of a lot, to let an 8 year old decide the fate of the entire family's happiness is a little harsh. I supported my mother's punishment for my little sister but for me? What did I do!?

My mother said that it would be a good time to go back to the basics. She said that the whole point of Christmas was about Jesus and family, and neither had anything to do with getting presents. I agreed. I mean how can you argue? And since when did you get presents for someone else's birthday? When did it become a day that we go out and pay money to get everyone we know a gift and never address that its actually a celebration of the Lord's birthday.

So, because of this, our holiday went as follows: On Christmas Eve, we went to my Aunt's place for a family holiday party, in which we had a lot of fun. We played games, ate, laughed, and took lots of pictures. On Christmas, we woke up late, hung out with family, went out to eat and that was that. Simple and to the point.

Overall, this experience confirmed a lot of what I already believed, which can be summed up in one simple phrase: "Back to the basics". I think sometimes, we go through the motions of life and forget why we do the things that we do. I don't necessarily think we did everything we should of done in this experience but it helps me to see where I would make changes.

I know this sounds crazy, but good or bad; I don't think Christmas should be celebrated by spending the money you don't have. I think that like Martin Luther King's Day is a day for service and remembering what he did to help African American's as a whole, Christmas should be a day to remember Christ. We should change it to Jesus Day, or maybe not, but regardless; On Christmas we should cherish family, God, Life, and Salvation. Not the latest game system or barbie doll, but true values.

We should be teaching our children things that they can grow up on and be good people. So, thanks Mom!

Now your future grand kids will be coming to your house for gifts, because all they're going to get at my house is great life lessons. Just kidding, but I do hope to make sure they understand the true meaning of Christmas and do things to celebrate God. They're probably going to have to, because I don't think I will be one to fill up the living room with presents, but I will try to get them something and teach them how to give.

Merry Christmas ;)

Mirror View.Me

Were you aware that there is always a part of you that a mirror can't see? It seems pretty obvious when you think about it, but people always treat the idea of the mirror as being something that is "all inclusive." In actuality, it can only see one side of a person at a time. In order for a mirror to be effective in reflecting a whole person, it must join with four other mirrors to take in a whole person.

In my life time, I have been defined by a variety of different names & descriptions: good girl, good student, good person, mean, dramatic, analytical, critical, spoiled, tom boy, black, christian, bougie, and the list goes on. It doesn't bother me that I am a christian and a sinner, or emotional, yet emotionally detached, or silly and serious; It bothers me that most people will always only see me through one mirror.

By no means am I suggesting that I have a view that sees people more in-depth. I'm just posing the issue of image and how important it is to decide, which person you would like to show. Do you wear your business face when you are meeting a stranger, or your most loving face? Who do you want people to see when they see the only side of you that is exposed?

Just like a mirror, people will only take one glance to take in a person. They look once to draw their first conclusion, and look longer to fill in the blanks. They search over your beauty and imperfections to find someone like or unlike them. The only difference between the mirror and the person is that the mirror can only reflect what's in front of them. People can dig and turn a pimple into acne, and a smile into a philanthropist.

I would prefer that people Mirror View.Me, meaning I want people to take me in for what they see as being parts of a whole. I want people to take in all of me before making a conclusion and whether in a glance or study, I want people to see me. I think with this, It's important that I know who I am and what I am reflecting.

Self-analysis is an important part of being well-rounded and honest. A person should be able to take in their entire self and love that person before they can judge or love another. I'm working on completing my image. In the end, I would hope that you like what you see, but more importantly, that the four images come together to make a whole person.

Lovers & Friends: The Boy/Girl "Friendship" Dilemmna

MEN & WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS!?

A couple of weeks ago, Steve Harvey was on the radio promoting his new book, "Straight Talk, No Chaser," on relationships. Who would have known?

Regardless, after reading the first chapter in his first book, "Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady," I decided that I'm going to just disagree with everything he says. However true or untrue his opinion may or may not be. I just can't take anymore information on how different men and women are and how it will basically never work unless you adapt to some ridiculous "man thought". How about we write a book called, "Get On Our Level Losers."

I really don't want to come off as hostile but I don't understand why women are always being told the right way to catch a man, when the last time I checked, Men were suppose to be doing the catching. We are suppose to be checking out the line-up and picking the one with the highest endowment. When did a man become more precious than a beautiful woman? The potential mother of his children, keeper of the house, or whatever role she decided to take. . . When did a woman lose her value?

Maybe that is a subject for another blog, but for this blog, the focus is male and female friendships. Steve Harvey's new book, just as the other, made some really bold statements about male and female relationships. Almost to his detriment or the detriment of the entire male population, Steve Harvey proclaims that "Men and women can't be friends." Shocking?

Honestly, it wasn't that shocking. The issue is that Steve Harvey has gotten to the level of fame that people are actually listening to him. This is a problem. I'm not going to go down the list, but I will say that one of the biggest problems with this is that not all men agree with him. Is this a flaw in Harvey Logic? Or are men just trying to hide the truth about their sinister ways?

The theory behind this life changing statement is that, "men never choose to be friends with a woman". Women define the relationship and men comply, with a secret hope that one day the tables will turn into something more romantic. So basically, he's suggesting that all of my male friends are secretly plotting to be with me. I have a lot of male friends. That's strange.

With this, I decided to get answers like any normal person, who wanted to verify or disprove a social theory with out a professional license to do so. I updated my Facebook status. Just as I hypothesized, some men agreed while others did not. My final test was my male best friend. I called him and asked him, just knowing that he would disagree, and much to my dismay. . . he agreed.

He said that there is some level of attraction between male and female friends that is always there. I agreed. I think that whether you are attracted to their personality or physical appearance, there is something that makes you want to be around that person. He went on to say that the question Steve Harvey asked women to pose to their male friends, "How would you feel if I wanted to date you," also had some backing.

All in all, it was an interesting debate. I still feel like this information will break up a lot of friendships but hey. I guess that is on his hands.

They Call Me Friend

"One's friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human"
- George Santayana

I have to start this one by thanking God that he saw fit for me to have the world's greatest friends. So much so, that I would like to thank you all here, and you know who you are, for being the better parts of me when I couldn't be.

For my bestest, I'd like to thank you for listening and standing by me, even when everyone else would have thought I was crazy. You're always are on my side, even when I know I'm wrong. Thank You.

I would like to thank my little sisters for being my air when I could not breathe and my squad, for life. My cousin who has always been a little panicky but will forever be there to pray with me. For the love of my life, who is ALWAYS there for me, no matter how late, and will take time to explain the mystery of boys. For my homie, that always provides support, Mexican food, and a calm environment that I can run away to.

I could honestly dedicate an entire novel to the people in my life, I call friends. If any one asked me who contributed to the good in me, I would say God and the people that he has placed in my life. Although some individuals are there with me every step of the way, friends are not required to check in everyday, nor are they required to have a physical presence. I am also thankful for all my friends that are far away but still write, support, call, and love me. I love you all as well.

My reason for writing this is not to shout out the people that have done for me, but to call the reader to take a look in the mirror.

This morning, I had a conversation about the lack of work ethic in our generation. I defended the generation, as the other person explained that sometimes young entrepreneurship is an excuse to do nothing. Needless to say this conversation was a little frustrating because to me, it's a risk to pursue your dreams and a noble one at that. Sometimes things don't work out but in the world there are people that chase their dreams and their are people that survive. In either, there is failure or success, but for my life, I would rather know that I tried everything to reach my dream then look back and think about what could have been.

The conversation eventually turned into a conversation on "How much of a support should you be to someone?" How much support do you give? When do you stop catching someone when they fall? When do you walk away from someone who needs help?

I told the person that you should give until you can't any longer. I know this is radical, so let me break it down: I have had many times in my life where I thought I had nothing left. Maybe it was superficial because I was young and I had a family who could provide, but I THOUGHT I was at my last. In those times, I felt like I had done all that I could to succeed and failed; I was not alone.

There was always someone there. Be it, God, my best friend, my sisters or brothers, there was always someone to lend a shoulder, ear, money, couch, life line, etc. One time in particular, I had no money for books. I had been working, was really involved in ministry, and was broke. That week a friend brought me enough money to pay from my books with a little extra, with out even knowing there was a need. This is just one of my experiences of the endless level of support that a friend can provide.

I know that there are some people in the world that are not all about cotton candy and rainbows. There are some people that will use and misuse people who give until there is nothing left but that's the lesson in friendship that people seem to miss. Friends don't do that. There are people who call themselves a friend, and there are people that are called friends.

They call me friend.

So when asked "How much of a support should you be to someone?" I answer as much as it takes. When asked, "How much support do you give?" I answer as much as they need. When asked, "When do you stop catching someone when they fall?" I answer when they can be their own net and when asked "When do you walk away from someone who needs help?" I say, you don't.

For every time that there is another person in need, there is a point that you have been or will be vulnerable. I just think that if I can, I will because not only would I want it that way for myself, but I have had it that way in every friend I have been blessed with and I will only be a blessing in response to that.

Again, I don't believe any one's personal limitations are better than someone else. I'm just asking that we evaluate the person that we are, against the person that we want to be and get there. Simple enough.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." ~C.S. Lewis

Am I Ready For Love?

"I am ready for love/ Why are you hiding from me?/ I'd quickly give my freedom/ To be held in your captivity/ I am ready for love/ All of the joy and the pain/ And all the time that it takes/ Just to stay in your good grace. . ." - India Arie (Ready For Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8)


Last night, I got into bed around 12 midnight, worn out and ready to count sheep. As a closed my eyes and pushed away the cat, who was trying to cuddle against my face, a sudden feeling of loneliness crept into my heart. I can't say that I handled it in the most calming of ways because the familiarity of it all made me panic. It was cold, empty, quiet, and lifeless. Who can sleep like that!?

Well I guess, people can sleep like that, its just that there is nothing fun about feelings of loneliness. Sometimes we choose to go into solitude, but other times we are backed up into it with a pitch fork and fire, which needless to say is not cool.

My default, to this sudden onset of loneliness, is usually ALWAYS to reach out to someone, anyone, just another person that can make me feel. . . not alone. This can be a family member, friend, acquaintance, ex-friend, anyone, honestly. The main focus at that point is to not be stuck in loneliness. AVOIDING MYSELF AT ALL COST.

In my brief moment of "Freaking Out," I suddenly asked myself, "Why are you so afraid of being by yourself?" [This was a real self-defining moment, btw.] Why would I not want to be with me? Technically, I live, sleep, and eat with myself everyday. Sometimes I share a laugh with myself, remind myself to do something, or I may even surprise myself with a special treat (I can't afford).

Even worse, in all of this before my epiphany, I thought "Ugh, Things would be so much better if I just had a boyfriend." BEEEEEPPPPP! WRONG ANSWER!

Relationships are wonderful when two healthy people enter into one, because then they can grow together and help each other grow. I'm not there yet. I think I will be a great girlfriend, and loving wife one day but right now? No. Other evidence to support this would be that, my thoughts of having a boyfriend only come up when I'm lonely! (Just in case you were wondering, That's Terrible!)

I already started of my non-existent relationship thinking about what he could do for me and not what I could bring to the table, other than my random lonely relief needs. I mean, despite the fact that my fantasy boyfriend would know my needs before I told him and bring me ice cream, he'd still be human. . . and a man, which is two kinds of complicated.

So my question is, "Am I ready for love?" Do I really want to share my time with a completely separate individual just to stamp myself as 'not lonely'? Do I really need to be with anyone if I can't be alone with myself?

Drum roll please. . .

The answer is no, I'm not ready. As much as it would be nice to love, laugh, and live out my hopes and dreams with a gorgeous, well-built, intelligent but funny man. I'm still not at the point where I can tell someone else how to love me, until I love me. I can't love anyone else until I can't wait to get home and spend time with me or I can sit with myself with out thinking a word but know where I am and where I want to be.

I refuse to be another broken half, looking for completion. I want to be whole.

So now on to the easy part, falling in love with me.

18 Pages Of Elizabeth Gilbert‏

"Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

For those of you that don't know, which I assume would be most of you, Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of "Eat, Pray, Love", as well as, my unknowing inspiration for my journey into introspection.

If you didn't read the post on "365 Days of Eat.Pray.Love" then you probably aren't aware that before declaring my devotion to the concepts surrounding this book, I did not read the book, nor did I watch the movie. So, today with a little lapse in my schedule, I found myself at Barnes & Nobles, broke & bored, with time to waste. I had no intention of reading anything specific but when the Barnes & Noble associate sprang on me from out of no where with the invasive question "Do you need any help?," I found myself saying "yes, do you have "eat, pray, love"?" without a second of consideration. Two seconds later, I was standing in front of my future.

I was a little fearful at first because a large part of me felt like reading one page of this book would ruin my fervor for conquering the world or at minimal, completing my very loud declaration of my 365 Days of Eat.Pray.Love journey. I thought if I read it, it would be nothing like my declared journey and I would have to close my blog, change my name, and move to the desert with a herd of sheep. Luckily, that was the complete opposite of my experience.

I grabbed the book, ordered a mocha frappe and braced myself for the unexpected. If I could say anything about the first two pages, I would say, "exactly what I was thinking." Elizabeth Gilbert is not only an awesome writer but her journey of pleasure, discovering God, and loving herself at the age of 35, is exactly what I want to do at 23. She just made her transition in retrospect, while my plan is to complete such a journey in foresight. Yay me!

You may be wondering why I only read 18 pages, well that's simple: I admire her courage and journey but I'm not going to read about all of her experiences, until I have my own. I will definitely finish the novel when I finish my journey but for those of you looking for a good read, by all means. It seems like a very good book from a very good writer!

Enjoy!

His Ridiculous Ego

. . .Such a Huge Ego

"The male ego, with few exceptions, is elephantine [very large] to start with" -Bette Davis

If there is anything that I can't stand, it's the male ego. What Beyonce should have said was "It's big, It's too wide, It's too strong, It won't fit. . . but seriously. . . It's ridiculous."

I mean, no one wants to go for the guy with low self-esteem necessarily, but the guy with the ego is so repulsively "Man," that at times it's hard to understand him. In addition, this "macho man" was the guy with low self-esteem about ten years earlier, who learned the gift of gab and talked himself into looking better.

Honestly, I just don't get it. I have a million male friends and counting, two brothers, several uncles and have had countless on-going discussions about men. . . and I still don't get it. Why do they speak in such a different language?

The other day I had a heated discussion with one of my friends and as he explained his point, as frustrating as it was, I listened. I listened hard. Yet, you know how much I understood, nothing at all. Then it clicked, an epiphany of some sort. I was transported back to my general psychology class while in pursuit of my bachelor's in psychology and remembered the ego. It was that creeper, Freud, who always talked about the id, the ego, and the superego. These were parts of a person that controlled how one dealt with situations, perceived life and handled others. Out of this spawned my thoughts on the male ego. This ridiculous ego, that spouts his nasty head when a man feels challenged or as if he is not in his most dominant position.

The other day my mother was telling me that my dog snapped at my little sister. She seemed to be concerned, so later that night, I got on my "crack"berry and did some pretty intense research on aggression in dogs. My dog has never bit anyone before, but I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something that could happen. To my surprise and to some of which I already knew, I found an article that talked about dog pack mentality. The author discussed the mentality that dogs have, as well as how domesticated dog's achieve pack placement. Apparently, dogs use aggression to find their place in a new pack and once that place is found. They will fight to keep it.

Sound familiar?

I'm not going to draw any conclusion for you, just giving a little information so that you can let your vibrant, little mind take flight; but I ended up having to explain to my friend that he is a man, with an ego, and I am a woman that has no idea why he feels the way he does. By no means am I saying that women don't have egos, just to appease the men, but What I'm saying is that men are socialized in a different way, than women. Men grow up in a war zone of toughness, desensitized emotions, and "Say it wit yo chest" training, while women are generally trained to communicate, cry it out, love, and to always have compassion. This is not in every culture, nor is it in every man and women that I have come across, just my personal experience.

I understand that because of some of these barriers, I don't understand why men puff up in the company of other men, or even why they have the need to declare that they are a man from time to time. Regardless, it just is what it is. I'm just saying, sometimes it gets a little ridiculous.

Just saying.

GiRlz like BoYz . . .

Has anyone ever considered that "GiRlz like BoYz" but boys don't like girls?

There are several men that believe that women end up in bad situations because they allow bad situations to happen. With all factors taken into consideration, this can't be completely un-true, but it's definitely not completely true either, right? I mean that's like saying that anything bad that happens to a person is their fault, which is not true; yet there is a point to where the decisions we make gravely impact life's conditions.

Today, I spoke with my very good friend, who also happens to be my first love, about my preparation for my journey. Although he thought blogging was a little silly, he was still very supportive. We talked about me for a while but eventually, the conversation turned to him and he began arguing the point as to why men don't like commitment. I've heard the argument that men are afraid of commitment but coming from the same man that wanted to get married to me , it was difficult to take. I asked him if there was a way to conquer this fear and he said, "no, there's no going back."

This was hard for me to wrap my brain around because he was always my point of reference for a good guy. He was my example of a boy that liked girls. Most guys that I've come across recently, objectify women. When discussing this topic with them, they allude to some form of boredom with us, as if women are more of a form of entertainment than a partner. In contrast, women talk about the topic as if they still like men, despite the hurts and pains. They are still ready to love.

So on one side pain results in bitterness and fear, yet on the other side women keep asking for more.

My conclusion: boys don't like girls, GiRlz like BoYz. Men get hurt and decide to love one woman, who stands out above the rest; Women get hurt, bare the pain and continue to see hope in at least most of men, in spite of the fact that the odds are against us.

I don't know which side is better.

SUCCESS!!!

Grown-Up Crush
Part II

I didn't necessarily expect to have a Part II to the last post so fast, nor did I expect that it would also be a conclusion, but for all of those that may think this is a story of failure; it's not. Hence the picture.

So, after waiting for what seemed like hours and concluding that those hours were merely minutes, a sign sent from the heavens notified me of my results. My phone rang, or chirped rather; Regardless, it was a notification from Facebook reporting a message from my "Grown-Up Crush." I didn't hesitate to check it because, let's be real; I'm grown. I wanted to know, quick, fast, and in a hurry, if I had made a mistake by choosing to "live life" and "embrace uncertainties" or if I was justified in my quest to indulge. {I promise I won't always be this dramatic. . . just building up some anticipation ;)}

Anywho, It was a success! Are we getting married? No. Are we in a relationship? Definetly not. Will we go out on a date? Probably not, but: He said I was cute! Well, actually he said that "I knew I was attractive" which I think we can all agree that that's the grown up way of saying the same thing. Mission Accomplished.

Why is this a good thing? Well, It worked! I felt something, I put myself out there, and I got what I wanted. Maybe I had low expectations, but the idea that I didn't know what to expect, yet still went for it, sent a charge of energy through my veins that screamed, "You're Alive!"

It was AWESOME!

As Julius Caesar once stated, "I came, I saw, I conquered," and that is just what I plan to do when approached with another situation that makes me think, 'Maybe, I shouldn't'. This situation has motivated me to go on with my journey and take chances on new experiences, no matter how small they may be. When I look back over my life, I want to smile and know that I lived.

Although, I doubt I will be expressing any more crushes any time soon.

Grown-Up Crushes

Who has grown-up crushes anymore!? So. . .When I was in high school, I was a bit of a nerd with a dash of anti-socialism but I was bold. Once I decided that I liked a guy, I was on it with a letter, flirting, random conversation, or developing a friendship that would hopefully lead to something else.

At twenty-four years of age, I can say that I am no longer that bold. On top of that, at this point in my life, I am so used to being approached that I don't know how to let someone know that I like them. Honestly, I'm so used to trying to convince guys that I don't like them that when faced with this new predicament, I'm at a loss.

So. . . If you haven't figured it out already. I think I have a slight "Grown-Up Crush". I have to refer to this situation as a crush because I don't know enough about the guy to like him, just enough to think that I may want to get to know him and the question as to whether he feels the same way. . . is killing me.

So. . .

I finally gave in and I sent him a message on Facebook. I feel like such a loser but it had to be done. In retrospect, I'm comfortable with my decision because I am on this whole "Live life to the fullest"/"Carpe Diem" Kick but Lord. . . I'm a little bit nervous. So now, let's all hold our breath to see what happens. I honestly just want to know if he thinks I'm cute. I could live with that.

The Beauty of UnCERTAINty

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream"

- Vincent Van Gogh

My beautiful, kind-hearted, and loving cousin sent me a letter today concerning the uncertainty of her next move. She and I as children, were always so certain about everything. We knew what we were going to do, we played with dolls in a way that made sense, we organized trips to see each other, made good grades, graduated from high school and college in the 4 years allotted (w/ 3.0 + g.pa.'s), and went off to explore the world in our own ways thereafter. I chose to go to graduate school and get my Master's in Social Work and she went of to Africa and worked and explored for about a year and a half.

With all of our perfection, we were also smart enough to hide our imperfections. Keeping each other's bloopers, blemishes, and little dark secrets tucked away in places our family would never find. We went through everything at relatively the same points in time, whether it was a steady boyfriend that ended in heartbreak, or a fling that lasted only for a moment. Our Lives had been tied together through our experiences, tighter than genetics or the 25% of related blood in our veins. The connection can only be described to me as a gift from God, a great friend and partner to experience life with.

You can imagine that her telling me that she didn't know what the next move was came to me as no shock. When she described her life of "success and perfection," I laughed because I know the feeling. After all that success and greatness, What happens when you get to the point where things don't work? What do you do when you are not use to dealing with uncertainty?

My response was, "Great, now you can live!" I am so happy for anyone that comes to a point were they have to look at their life and figure out what comes next. I'm even happier for anyone that diligently searches themselves and the universe for what is in their purpose to happen. Why, you ask? It's simple and complicated, but here it goes: Life is a journey.

Life is a journey, in which if you never stop to stare at the stars, or smell the roses, you will never understand what Van Gogh is talking about. You will never understand why God exists or why love is still good, despite all of the pain it brings. Life is a journey that if you never stop at the road side attraction or take time to look at the map, you can get lost in sea of cars and mindless wanderers. A Road, just like life, has hills, bumps, and gutters. It can be long or short, and can dead end or change.

The beauty of uncertainty is delicately intertwined with the beauty of hope. When we know and have everything, we have nothing to hope or dream for, which are two of the most beautiful things in life. We just live complacently, never hoping or wishing. I challenge my cousin and anyone else to embrace uncertainty and enjoy the ride. Don't be reckless but don't get to the end of the road, look back, and not remember the things you saw. Lastly, be smart, keep the future in mind but don't forget that there a two side mirrors and a rear view, as well.

Good Luck!

365 Days of Eat.Pray.Love

First a disclaimer, I have to start by saying that I’ve never seen the movie, nor have I read the book “Eat.Pray.Love.” I have to start with this just in case an “Über” excited fan wants to challenge me on my proposed journey of self-actualization for accuracy parallel to the actual purpose of the novel/movie. It may have nothing to do with either. This is just my attempt to understand myself and grow before building a foundation of unhappiness that I cannot escape.

365 of Eat.Pray.Love

Eat: Indulge.

People are always saying that life is too short, yet youth is wasted on the young. In my short 23 years of life, I have realized that there are benefits and disadvantages to being a mature young person. The obvious benefits are that you will most likely be more prepared for your adult years than your peers, you will be granted opportunities that may not be afforded to others, due to age or experience, and you will most likely avoid making a lot of the dumb mistakes your peers make because you are beyond your years. BORING. The disadvantages are that sometimes you miss out on the joy and adventure of life, you are fearful that things you do now will mess up your future, or you stress out before you’re suppose to start growing gray hairs. I’m up to three and counting.

I vow that in the next 365 days I will indulge. Eating is a time of enjoyment, At least for me it is, but I think that it goes beyond that. The “Eat” part of my journey will be to indulge in life’s blessings, whether that’s traveling, eating, sleeping in, laughing, etc. I have always wanted to build up a blank cookbook and paint paintings for my own house, just to name a few. I vow to live my life to its fullest potential of enjoyment.

Pray: Loving God.

I believe that there is a God. I believe that He is everywhere and He created everything. I believe that He loved me enough to bless me with life, love, and wisdom and I owe everything to Him. Which leads me to part two: “Pray.”

For this part of my journey, I’m tired of saying that I wish I was closer to God. I’m tired of saying I’ll pray later, or I’ll go to church next Sunday. I’m tired of disappointing the one being in the world that would, will, and did die for me to take part in this process called life, that I am grateful for. At the same time, I know God isn’t measuring how much he loves me based on the amount of verses I read or tithes that I pay.

My vow to God is that I will love Him. I will take time out of every day to love Him and acknowledge his presence. I will take time to devote myself to my greatest friend. I’m not promising that I will read the bible every day, nor that I will wake up at 5 a.m. to pray, but I am promising that when I don’t pray, I will read, and when I don’t read, I will go to church, and when I can’t go to church, I will worship Him. I love God.

Love: Loving Myself.

It is hard to pinpoint why women in my community specifically, seem to have issues with finding love. It is hard to blame men when we choose to be in relationships with certain individuals and it is also hard to blame women when men are not always forthcoming with their terminal ailments. In the end, one thing that I feel could be the key to love in relationships is to first, love thyself.

Love is hard for me because I use to hate love. We use to be great enemies in which I cursed its existence and it played ping pong with my heart strings but I’m beginning to understand that my heart and I were not on the same page. My heart was looking for peace outside of me and I didn’t want to be hurt. Regardless, this is why for love, I will first love me.

My vow to love is to love myself. I vow to enjoy being with a great woman that can be funny, a little emotional, but an overall okay human being. I vow to do my hair and nails for no reason and take myself out on dates. This part is important for me because I’ve learned that before you can love anyone else, or expect someone to love you. . .you have to love yourself. Not loving yourself creates insecurities, issues, and heartache long before the cheating boyfriend or continuous fights. Part of loving yourself is not letting anyone hurt you because you know how to be loved and when someone’s attempt at love is not enough for you. I will love me.

With that being said. . . anything goes ::evil laughter::

My rules are: (1) Don’t love anyone else more than you love yourself, (2) Don’t love yourself more than you love God, and (3) Don’t enter into a relationship. I think this helps me to focus on God and me. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to go around kicking babies and pushing the elderly, nor that I will not date or hang out, but it does me that I’m focused on God and myself and everyone and thing else can wait.

Wish Me Luck!

I Understand | Wakarimasu | Comprendo

Complex forms of thought and communicating those thoughts are a major part of why we are considered, by ourselves of course, “the most advanced and dominant species”. We can build architecturally sound structures, create ways to purify water, make animals reproduce fast for food, and cure and/or tame, some of the world’s most deadly diseases; Yet, we still can’t seem to understand each other.

I was speaking with my mother the other night and she was trying to tell me about a pain in her collar bone area. I was working on the computer and was not entirely that interested, but I entertained her nonetheless and tried to understand where the pain was coming from. At first, we settled on the idea that it was her collar bone but then she started to say that it was below where I was pointing to. I asked her where she was talking about and as she showed me with her hands, I tried to mimic her with my hands. She was telling me that that was not where she was talking about but I kept saying that she must be talking about her collar bone because I couldn’t think of anything else it could be.

Eventually, she said “You can’t see what I’m talking about?” in a way that just rubbed me wrong. It was as if she was saying that something was wrong with me. In my mind I thought, its obvious that I can’t see where I’m pointing on myself because I was sitting in front of her and not in front of a mirror. I was frustrated that she could not see that I was trying to understand her but I couldn’t. So I quit. I said “You should probably just go see a doctor.”

In realizing that I was now frustrated, she asked “You can’t help me out with this one thing?” and I responded “Well, I’m not a doctor.” She stood there for a second but I continued doing what I was doing before the whole ordeal. I felt bad after because I could tell that she was a little hurt but I don’t quite understand how she cannot see the frustration in not only not understanding, but having someone tell you that you were doing something wrong in this not understanding.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s dumb, but it just made me think about why it is so hard to communicate with other people. We are smart, competent individuals who at times can have the same native tongue and speak two very different languages. I can say “I’m trying to understand you” with all of me and still have it translate as “I could care less.”