Dealing with being Misunderstood

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand?" - Anonymous 

I’ve felt like the victim of being misunderstood many times in my life before and I’ve always left those experiences, thinking ‘I will never let that happen to me again.’ In retrospect, I’m learning that it’s foolish to think that I could control people’s understanding/perception of me. As if, with all the people in the world, I will be the one person that will never be misunderstood.

That’s completely unrealistic. Although, I think you can give it a good try.

I think it had to be the vanity or pride in me that said I could become so skilled at speaking that I would never be misunderstood. Now my question is why do I care so much?

The most realest response I can give to that is simple.  It hurts. I’m not going to create the illusion that I always care because I don’t. I’m just saying that when I care, it hurts when it doesn’t work out as planned.

To delve even further into that thought, I think it has a lot to do with my expectations of the other person. If I expect someone to be reasonable, I assume reason will always appeal to them. (That is also assuming that I am always being clearly reasonable). This can apply to emotion or even blunt force. Regardless, I feel I can make a decent attempt to match verbal communication styles.

I believe in the Law of Reciprocity in communication. Speak unto others as they would speak unto you. In this case, that means I will communicate back to you, how you communicate to me.

The lesson I’m learning now is how to better deal with being misunderstood, offended, misinterpreted, or mishandled.

In the past, my favorite resolve was to shut down and assume the person who misunderstood me was unreasonable and would always be that way. 

Dramatic. Yes, I know. This evolved to learning different ways to communicate to help limit misunderstandings, which worked pretty well up until now.

Now, I realize that there are a variety of ways to deal with being misunderstood and they are all okay, depending on the situation. The point is: You will be misunderstood and it’s okay. These are my ways to deal:

Move on. This is also known as the “agreed to disagree” method. There are times when it’s just not that serious and there is no need to keep pushing the point. This is up to the individual because what’s important to me may not be important to you. I think you should at least try to honor someone else’s feelings. This also varies, depending on your expectation of the relationship.

Plead your case. This is when you try to appeal. Being married, it’s tough arguing because a lot of the arguments and rationales behind the arguments don’t change. I think this method calls for creativity and determination. This is usually a method, I attribute to big misunderstandings with people that are important to you.

When relationships are important to you, you try your best to understand.

Re-assess the situation (Surrender). This is a tough one. This can be looked at in three different ways: (1) This is a big deal to you but it’s a bigger deal to the other person, (2) This is not that big of a deal to you and you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or (3) you’re communication is ineffective.

This means that sometimes you’re just not clear, or even worse . . . you’re wrong. Sometimes, it’s not even about right or wrong. This is when you take a step back and say, ‘Maybe, I’m not being understood because I just don’t know what I’m talking about.’ This can also be where you say, ‘Maybe this really isn’t that big of a deal’ and revert to method A.

Take a step back. This is an option that I usually don’t take. I feel like it’s quitting, but it can be actually be a strength if none of the other options work. This is the option that can preserve relationships at a minimal state. 

This is when you come to the conclusion that not only can you not reach an understanding, but future misunderstandings are very likely to lead to something more detrimental than walking away. I think this takes a deepened level of maturity.

Those are my thoughts, but I’m still processing. I’m sure I’ll come back to this and reflect as I grow. 

Think Happy Thoughts :)

My Review on Pregnancy: Part II

2^ND Trimester

Walking into this trimester felt a lot like walking into school on the first day of my senior year. On one side it felt like, “I made it!,” and on the other side it felt like, “Dang, I have two whole semesters left!”

This part of pregnancy, as I’ve heard it described previously, was definitely my Honeymoon Phase. I know that this is not always the case for everyone. Every pregnancy, even for the same person, can be different. For me, one of the reasons it was so awesome was the fact that morning, afternoon, and evening sickness magically disappeared. In addition to that (which was enough), this trimester was when I received my ultrasound!

Apparently, depending on where you live and the type of pregnancy you have, you may have had several ultrasounds by this trimester. During my pregnancy, I only had one, which was at my 5 month check-up. This was also the appointment to determine the anatomy of our little one.

I really wanted a boy but would not have loved a daughter any less. A large part of me feared a little girl. This fear was rooted in the thought that my little girl would be just like me, which ironically aroused a deep sense of horror.  I wasn’t necessarily a “bad” kid. I’ve just  always been very “strong-willed” and I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to deal with a little replica of myself. I could just imagine her looking at me with a blank face and saying, “Well Mom, I’m going to do it like this anyway.”

On the day of the ultrasound, I was so anxious. We knew it wouldn’t matter but it was a HUGE secret that I really really wanted to know. After checking for hands, feet, toes, elbows, and every single body part you can imagine, the nurse asks, “Are you ready to find out the sex?”

 I wanted to scream my answer but I held it together with a smile and a nod. I looked at my husband, who was cool, calm and collected and within seconds, there it was in all of it’s little glory! I smiled and said, “Oh, wow babe,” to which my husband responded, “What?”

The nurse followed with, “It’s a Boy,” and my husband searched the screen with a very big smile on his face and said, “I don’t see it.”

Once we knew the sex, everything picked up. My baby bump came in, which was cool because people finally could tell I was pregnant. I created a baby registry, planned for a shower and began to panic! 

The not so enjoyable part of this trimester was that after the sickness, I developed Ptyalism, which is a fancy word for excess salivation.  Yes, for those of you who were not aware, I literally spit for 6 months straight. A lot of people had advice for how I could make this better but there was really no end to it. It also seemed like all the solutions were more for other people than they were for me. No matter what I did, any solution I tried would only last for as long as I was doing it.

I would apologize for those of you who were exposed to this, but since I not only hated doing it AND had no choice in the matter. . . I won’t. I might add that this in conjunction with growing rapidly, hormones, swollen feet, and a very active baby made me slightly cranky and sensitive to this little problem.

At the end of this trimester, I was a strong mix between, “Lord, am I ready for this?” and “Please get this little person out of me.” It was awesome.

3^RD Trimester

This trimester snuck up on me. Like, I literally didn’t realize I was in it until my little phone app told me. This, again, brought on a surge of panic (Notice the continual theme of panic, which is not at all recommended).

For some reason I didn’t realize that I was actually going to have to get this baby out of me in a REAL way. I’ve seen A Baby Story and 16 & Pregnant a million times but the labor and delivery part just didn’t really click for some reason.

In addition to this new actualization, I’m very much skeptical of modern medicine and “The Business of Being Born” documentary did not help this fear . . . AT ALL (Side note: I recommend this documentary for expecting parents to be educated on your options,  not matter what you decide is best for you and your family). Thankfully my best friend and my belly partner were there to help me get mentally and physically prepared.

I watched documentaries, read books and blogs, talked to mothers, watched YouTube, did exercises, and prayed, heavily. My mother was also a big help because she had four children au natural sans meds, and she assured me that it could be done.

Although, this trimester is for resting, nesting, and waiting, it was a little more stressful than I’d hoped. My husband and I moved into an apartment to have a more tranquil space during my second trimester, which was very challenging. Unfortunately, we soon realized that our new apartment was more like Hell’s kitchen than a tranquil resting place. This translated into extreme stress and discomfort for me, along with an additional very stressful move.

Some of the joys of this trimester were my baby shower and setting up all the cute and wonderful gifts. It was also cool to dream of his face and imagine what kind of person he would be. Pregnancy, in general, brought on some pretty intense, vivid dreams. At the end, they were more centered on the baby but man, did I have some crazy dreams.

Some of the “not so hot” moments were baby gymnastics in my stomach at inopportune times, NO SLEEP, waddling, hip spreading, shortness of breath for little to no reason at all, the struggle of getting up and everyone asking when the baby was coming before my due date. After being the one pregnant for 9 months, it was really hard to hear people say that they couldn’t wait any longer for my baby. It was even more frustrating for people to see me and say, “that baby didn’t come yet!?”

Believe me. . . No one wanted him out more than me.

At the very end, I was so anxious. I knew he was coming for two weeks straight. All of the information I read said that you would know when it was time and that was true. I definitely knew.

My Review on Pregnancy: Part I

"The topic of pregnancy can be a lot of different things to a lot of different people. During my process, I knew of several women who began this journey, but did not share the same experiences. Although some of them may remember their experience with laughter and joy, some of them may remember it in grief and sorrow. I just want to honor those women that experienced loss with my condolences and understanding.

'There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.' - Faces of Hope"

Some of you may be asking, “Can you write a review on Pregnancy?” I’m not exactly sure, although that’s exactly what I intend to do. I believe that after 10 months of pregnancy (YES, 10 whole months), I have become an expert on “my pregnancy” and do not claim to be an expert on anyone else’s. I've been asked several times about my experience, so this is just my overview.

Discovering the Plus Sign

One Sunday, on the way to church, my husband and I had that conversation that I imagine some couples may or may not have when Aunt Flow does is late for her arrival. He says, “Did she come yet?” I say, “No, I think I’m going to have to check her flight.” He says, “Ok, well let’s do that.”

After we get to church I suddenly realize that I’m hungry and tell him that I am going to grab some breakfast. He nods, unsuspectedly, and I hurry of to grab some breakfast, after making a pit stop to the convenience store. Let’s just say that along with breakfast, I received the most shocking, beautiful, scary, wonderful news ever.

It’s clear from this story that I’m extremely patient.  So, after staring at my news with my mouth wide open for ‘who knows how long,’ I shared the news with my husband (who just happened to be in a meeting) via text message. Who shortly replied, ‘It’s game time.’ And so it began. . .

1^ST Trimester

I’m not sure if this is a rational fear for all women who have never been pregnant or just the women I know BUT prior to “discovering the plus sign,” I wasn’t sure I would be able to get pregnant. Maybe women are just engrained to worry or again, maybe that’s just me. I was so afraid of not being able to conceive that I did little to prevent it. This coupled with being only two months into marriage, left my husband and I a little unprepared.

So, if I were to describe my first trimester, I was gripped with worry. Thankfully, I had afternoon and evening sickness to accompany my morning sickness, which help put things into perspective. Someone described the first trimester as the part of pregnancy where you feel the most pregnant, yet no one seems to notice. I can understand the sentiment, although waddling has a way of making you feel pretty pregnant.

We tried to keep the news to ourselves for the first three months, as some suggest, but in some cases I had to share. For example, as a social worker, you have to have some pretty tough skin, which prior to pregnancy was more than doable.

Early on, I remember sitting at a desk, reading an e-mail with tears streaming down my face. Why you might ask? I honestly don’t know. I just remember not liking what they wrote and feeling the sudden urge to cry hysterically. I knew it was bad when I couldn't stop and consider responding to the e-mail in the most erratic way possible. At that point, I thought that it would be best to tell my supervisor about my current state. At least that way, someone could talk my down from the keyboard.

I remember one day I made it all the way to work and as soon as I turned into the parking lot, I opened the door and threw up. So, I called my supervisor, told her today wasn’t a good day for me, and drove right back home.

These experiences, along with excessive bathroom use, coming from everywhere, made my 1^st trimester challenging and memorable. Yet, this time also brought us the first heartbeat, which is the most amazing sound I have ever heard. It brought hopes and dreams of a future and fears of the potential hurt this child will be faced with. It made me feel alive. It forced me to have faith and trust God that his will would be done regardless of me. It was a humbling experience.  I had to accept that I was at his mercy and no matter what, he would make everything okay. 

(To be continued . . .)

Change & Self-Discovery

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

I attempted to write this blog several times within the past 6 months and several times I found that I did not know how to put everything into words. So this is my disclaimer: This blog may be the most unorganized mess I have ever written. (And to be even more honest, it may be the most reflective of what my life is at this moment in time.)

I feel like I have been dealing with a mental block that is now causing me to spill my thoughts and emotions onto this page, in hopes to be cured of my silence. I've literally started writing so many times, thinking that I had something to say, only to find that it still didn't make sense to me. Now, my thought is, "Forget making sense! Just be free."

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My life lesson over the past 6 months has been in change, and I have decided that "Change is Good" or at least, change is a natural progression in life that can encourage personal growth. A little over 3 months ago, I gave birth to an amazing little boy. Just 10 months before that, I was saying "I do" to my soul mate. Yet, just two years before that, I was "The Lost Child," that was so far from, in every way, everything I now know to be absolutes in my life. 

I'm not 100% sure how I got here, but I'm sure it has a lot to do with divine intervention and my journey to self-discovery. Not to say that your journey of self-discovery will lead to a husband and kid (especially, if that's not what you're looking for) BUT I think it can greatly improve your outlook on life.  In my experience, understanding yourself and where you are in life, can help you understand how to change and how to get where you would like to go.

So, moving forward, my goals are to: (1) turn my blog into a book, and (2) start a business. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted! 

In addition to updating you on my progress, I promise to write a "review" on pregnancy and labor, as well as blog about my transition to motherhood.

Feel free to comment about how "self-discovery" has helped you to make positive changes in your life!

I look forward to hearing from you!

{Think.Happy.Thoughts}

A Journey to Motherhood

"Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world." - John 16:21

Today, I laid peacefully in my bed, next to my napping husband, as I began to read the book "Jesus Is ____" by Judah Smith. This, of course, was after I checked Facebook, Instagram and my Sims Freeplay game several hundred times to confirm and re-confirm that there was literally nothing else I could do to distract me from reading. Needless to say, I was suppose to read this book about a month ago.

A good ways into my reading, I felt the strangest thing from my now protruding mid-section that, yet again, distracted me from my failing attempt at being productive. Not having ever felt this before, I began to imagine that the small person in my stomach learned a new trick. Like my unborn child started his own band in my uterus and was now practicing the timing for his very first song.

Regardless of how intriguing the idea of my womb-bound child being a musical savant was, reality quickly set in, along with panic. My major issue being that I had no idea what was going on inside of my body. So, when in doubt I did what most reasonable adults would do. I Googled it. What I found was even more awesome than my first idea. I was experiencing fetal hiccups for the very first time in my pregnancy, which feels something like a heartbeat.

As I held my stomach, I felt the the rhythmic movements of my son's first "hiccups" and fell into complete awe. As if it isn't amazing enough that there is a baby in there, there is a baby that gets the hiccups!

Unsure of how long it is suppose to last, I grew fearful. In addition to his hiccups lasting for a minute or two, I began to feel him kick and shift around sporadically. Not that his movements are ever not sporadic. At that  moment it seemed to be a rational cause for concern. The thought suddenly dawned on me that he could be afraid. My only solution at that time was to play something soothing for him.

That is when it happened. Although, I tried to reason with myself. All reason was drowned out by me feeling helpless. In my mind, all I could think of was that my baby was potentially scared and there was nothing I could do to help him. This was a feeling worse than heartbreak. I felt so foolish even feeling that way, but I couldn't help but think of how I'm suppose to protect him and I can't. By the time the song ended, the hiccups were gone and the baby was mostly still. I could still feel him shifting but his movements were less abrupt.

My husband attempted to comfort me but most of me felt embarrassed that I even had that moment. It occurred to me that some of my feelings were pregnancy induced, but the rest of them was apart of a journey to motherhood.

An hour or so later, I told one of his God Mothers that I needed to tell her this story. I told her it was silly but she listened anyway. When I was done, we laughed a little, but she told me that she still worries about her daughter. She told me that the best thing I could do was teach my son who really protects him. I don't know if she knows how powerful that was to hear, but it was POWERFUL. She said to tell him that God protects him and as his parents we will try to keep him safe, but his hope should be in God. She then took it a step further and said that my husband and I should "live it out." We should be an example of what it looks like to trust God.

So, one of my first lessons in motherhood is "Do Not Panic. . . Just Trust." That, I can do.

Thank God for wise counsel.

Think Happy Thoughts :)

My Love Redeemed

"Love is the way back into Eden. It is the way back to life." - Francine Rivers, Redeeming Love

The other day I was watching a movie where Cicely Tyson's character described a timeless love with her late husband that struck a serious cord in my heart. She happens to be one of my favorite women in the world to hear speak about anything, but something about this monologue challenged me to question my ability to love without limitations.

In discussing this with my best friend, we reminisced on how crazy in "love" we were in our youth. Everything was so dramatic. We laughed about our fist loves and how we thought we could never live with out them. . . but did. We talked about past heartbreaks and how we thought we'd never love again. . . but did. Everything was so "extra."

So "extra," in fact, that I completely denounced passion. I came to the conclusion that the only way to love is through a mental decision to love unconditionally. Of course I still believe that there is someone God has designed for you. Yet, passion was considered to be an irrational emotion that was tied to immaturity.

My best friend and I agreed that we became jaded by failed attempts to be passionately in love. We also agreed that it was something to work back to with the person you choose to share your life with. I want to be able to say that I loved hard and whole-heartedly. Not to say, that I'm not in love now, but I can tell that there are still places in my heart that are guarded from past hurts. Still times, that I close myself off in memory  of lingering pains.

Then comes the moment that changed my whole perspective. I talked to my husband and I asked him, "Do you find that you love less passionately than the first time you ever loved?" He paused for all of two seconds and said, "No. I feel that I love more passionately each time, because I know that I don't want to loose it." This completely threw me for a loop. So, you love harder, knowing how it feels to loose love!? What kind of sense does that make!?

Why would anyone love harder after being hurt? It seemed to make perfect sense to loose your passion to love after love lost, but to gain passion? That just blew my mind.

I fell in love with him a lot more in that moment. It reminds me of the way that God loves us. Passionately enough to die on a cross for people that curse him as he did it, knowing how many times we will hurt him and still making the decision to give up his life for us. If that is not passionate love, I don't know what is? I couldn't imagine choosing to love someone passionately and unconditionally, knowing the pain they will cause me in the end. Also, knowing that some of them will never love me.

Yet and still. . . love never fails.

All this to say. I vow to challenge myself everyday to love passionately and wholeheartedly, like it was the first time I ever loved. The truth of the matter is I survived my past to get to my present. A present that I don't always feel I deserve. I owe it to my husband, children, family, and friends to love them like I've never loved before.

Eat. Pray. Let your love be redeemed. 

What If It Were Me. . .

"Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully." - Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

What if it were me? That was all I could think, as I left the apartment of my old friend. A friend who is currently struggling with brain cancer.

What if it were me who could no longer  walk without help from a wheelchair or walker. What if it were me who lost my ability to speak or write without difficulty. What if it were me whose life changed in an instant and something so far from my mind, like my ability to live past the day, was now all I could think of. What if it were me.

Variations of these thoughts plagued me, as I cried, yelled, and fell into pity and helplessness. Frustration came from the desperate thoughts that if no one would support my friend, who would support me? Who would run to my side and help me fight an enemy that seems so much bigger than me. What if it were me.

How could they not help him, I thought. What if it were them!? Then I thought, Well, maybe they never think it will be and maybe they're right. Maybe it never will be them or their close friend, or their mother, or their child who has to face something like this. So why is this my motivation? Why am I motivated by the fear that not fighting for my friend equates to no one fighting for me.

How selfish am I!? How could I honestly sit and feel sorry for myself, while my friend is facing one of the biggest challenges of his life!?

When I started to help with his fundraiser, I just wanted to help. I wanted to help just because he needed it. As I became involved in fundraising, I was astonished at how little people seemed to be moved by his story. Even with the simple things, like following a page on social media or giving up a meal at McDonald's to donate $5. I felt like I was pulling teeth to even get help administratively. My thoughts gradually changed from wanting to help to feeling like I had to help. I felt like somehow not helping would be reciprocated in my life at one low point or another. Like not reaching our goal meant we somehow failed ourselves.What a terrible way to think.

I believe we should help someone, when we can, because we can. Not because we're storing up good deeds for a rainy day. We should help because we genuinely care if another person survives or not. 

I love my friend and I'm sorry my mind switched to self-preservation in his time of need. Regardless of whether I ever get cancer or have to fight for my life, I will fight for his. It doesn't matter if it "could be" me, when it is him right now. Our goal is big but we will continue to work towards it. . . for Brandon.

God is still working on me and I don't believe he's done with my friend either :)

Please like our page and give if you can: https://www.facebook.com/100DaysToSaveALife

Love unconditionally | Laugh until you can't any longer | Live life to the best of your ability ;)

My Friend, Brandon

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share out pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand." - Henri Nouwen

I met Brandon at a "Christian party" my freshman year at Spelman (Please don't judge). Writing "Christian Party" out just sounds so funny now but it was the thing to do for the Christian crowd in the AUC. It was a legit party with Christian up-tempo music, food, and dancing (at safe distances, of course). It was unique. Something I will never forget. 

Freshman year was one of the most exciting because of the way you met people and instantly became life-long friends. That's how it was with Brandon. It was a relatively instantaneous friendship. Back then, Brandon was a clown. I mean that in the nicest way possibly, of course. It seems like Brandon would do his best to annoy me into chasing him around. Which meant poking, teasing, hitting, cake throwing (Yes, It happened), relatively anything.

As our friendship grew, I learned a lot about God, ministry, service, friendship, and dedication to people. Brandon always wanted to help someone. Even me. Over the years, I've seen him in his darkest and most vulnerable moments and at any moment, he would drop everything to help someone else.

Time and circumstances had a terrible effect on our friendship. It seems that by the time I heard word of Brandon in 2011, it had been nearly three years since we spoke more than a few words to each other. I hate that it had to have been this news that would bring us back together. 

In the Spring of 2011, I learned that Brandon was in the hospital with a brain tumor. The same lively, happy, loving friend that I had known so well, went to the hospital for headaches only to find something much worse.  

I went to see Brandon in the hospital, shortly after his initial surgery. His mother and some of our mutual friends were surrounding his bed. His head was wrapped with bandages and he could barely speak, but he was laughing and smiling with all of us. I fought my tears that day. I refused to cry, when he still had so much joy and so little information on why this was all happening to him. Although, I wondered. 

At that time, we didn't know whether Brandon was going to make it, nor what he was up against but we were there. We are still here. At the end of 2012, Brandon shared that he would soon be taken off of his mother's health insurance and needed help to insure his medical care would continue. 

In 2013, a group of friends and I started the "100 Days to Save a Life" campaign to help Brandon. We have raised over $4,000 but still have a long way to go. Whether we reach our goal or not, I have it set it my mind that friendship is more than being with something when everything is going well for them. True friendship stays with you in your darkest hour. True friendship holds your hand and fights along side you. I want to be a true friend. 

Please support my friend, Brandon, in raising money to take care of his medical needs. Glimoblastoma is the most common and most aggressive malignant primary brain tumor in humans. This disease does not have specific ties to genetics, race, gender, or age, which means that this could happen to anyone. Prognosis is extremely poor, with a median survival time of approximately 12-14 months. This disease is almost invariable fatal. Yet, Brandon has been fighting it for two years now. 

Please visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/100DaysToSaveALife for more information.

Life Does Not Wait. . .

The other day, I was strongly considering hiding inside of myself, which is my introverted technique to running away. I was thinking that I would go so far inside of myself, I would get lost and then no one would be able to find me. I thought that losing myself would hurt everyone, which at the time, seemed like a great plan. I guess I just really wanted someone to feel how I felt in that moment. 

While sitting on the toilet (also known as my angry place. . . don't you dare judge me), I was thinking of how cold I could be. It's actually a little narcissistic, like who thinks they are going to punish the world by removing themselves mentally? I guess I do. 

As I sat there, it suddenly dawned on me that Life didn't wait for me to have my little "burn everything" moments. Although, I'm all in favor for a few of those, I have to recognize that it doesn't wait for me to lose myself, find myself, or do anything for that matter. What we choose to do in every moment gives our lives value or takes it away.

With every angry conspiring thought, breath, and twisted facial expression, Life left me behind. I sat and I looked around the bathroom and realized that I could be spending my time doing so many other things right now. I could be laughing right now, or even better eating and yet, I'm in the bathroom, wasting time being angry, as Life waved and kept it rolling.

I don't want to have to catch up. I also don't want to waste time plotting on being unhappy or making other people unhappy. I want to spend my time wisely.

I remember when I finally met my husband after several unsuccessful attempts at dating and I told God that I didn't want any more "almost's." I told God that the only man I wanted to deal with was "THE man," and not only that but I need some divine revelation a.k.a "proof". Much like this moment, I realized that my time was precious and I needed to make the best of every moment. I needed to understand that Life does not wait and position, mind set, and diligence can be everything in moments of difficulty. 

This was just my little reminder to keep pressing. Joy is something that comes from a deeper understanding, not emotions or circumstances. Peace is something that you invite into your heart and treasure. Wisdom is something you pray to find and fight to keep. Life is just so much better when you spend every moment like it is the most important thing in the world to you. 

Live. Laugh. Love. . . 

Coming Out: Joy, Progress, & 2013

Photography by Eternal Love

In December of 2010, The Lost Child: Waiting to be Found blog was birthed out of my uncertainty in my ability to continue a blog longer than two posts. I wanted to embark upon a self-proclaimed journey of self-discovery in 2011, which would consist of posting several blog posts in each month of the year. For me, it was scary to start something that I wasn't sure that I could finish. Yet, I managed to not only complete my task but go well beyond it.

As 2011 came to a close, I felt there was no more need for my blog. At least, not as it was. It's hard to continue talking about how lost and angry you are, when you are no longer lost nor angry. Through my journey of self-discovery I really seemed to find myself. In addition, I found God, Joy, Peace. . . and A MAN! (I really hope you guys can imagine the exaggerated southern accent that came in on the last part of that sentence.)

With that being said, the blog name was changed to The Child Once Lost. This was a big statement for my life because in retrospect, I've always felt lost. The year of 2012 was filled with certainty, understanding, and purpose. In summary, it was something new and that something new was awesome. All of this brings me to today, the day I am choosing to "come out"as a blogger, so-to-speak. Confused? I'd imagine. Let me explain. 

When I began this blog I wanted to remain as anonymous as possible to shield myself from all of the social harms of blogging, such as judgement, questions, black mail, etc. (I'm totally not paranoid.) To accomplish this task, I did several things. One thing was that I posted all of my blogs through an alias, which led most people to have challenges remembering my full name but allowed for my name not to be directly attached to this blog. In addition, I removed personal identifiers and created a very general profile. I also refrained from using personal pictures or names in any of my posts. All-in-all, I didn't want to just be completely out there. 

A month or two ago, one of my friends commented on one of my blogs and shared how different my posts were from the beginning of my blog to now. She shared that I changed a lot and she was happy for me. She ended the comment by stated that she, herself, was still lost. Her comment changed my perspective on my need to stay private. It made me think that sometimes transparency is necessary, in order to help others. 

The other side to this is that I'm happy. Genuinely happy. I'm proud of the progress and excited for the future. I hope that my story helps someone else. In all honesty, it still helps me. 

So, again, I welcome you to my blog.

T. Lamb

Love. Laugh. Live

Marrying "My Perfect"

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage" 

- Martin Luther

Last Saturday, on November 24, 2012 at 11 AM, I married "my perfect." I've had a lot of nicknames for important people in my life and have major issues with duplicating those name, which is why my husband would naturally be a name that I can't exactly top. 

For years now, I have been under the impression that society's view of perfection has been perverted into something unobtainable. Perfect is not necessarily with out flaws, yet " having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be." That means something completely different than flawless, at least to me it does. To me, perfect is the exact ingredients (characteristics) needed. So, my husband is "my perfect" because he is everything I need in the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Many people, greet newly weds with the question, "So, how does it feel?" To what, for a few days now, was very hard for me to answer. In response to most people, I told them that it didn't feel any different or I responded with "it feels weird." I felt like, I was letting people down so I decided to take some time to dig a little deeper. In my dig, I still didn't find anything profound to say about my feelings after marriage, but what I did notice is this unfaltering peace. 

The peace I felt was the same peace that met me at the alter, when it was time to say I do. That same peace that came during our first sitting together. It was a peace that surpasses my understanding of the things right before me, behind me, or well into my future. There was comfort in knowing that this was "it" and it was "perfect." Perfect because I've seen glimpses of his worst and I made a commitment to love him through that. Perfect because he's seen me in lights, I wouldn't dear let anyone else see, and he still calls me beautiful. Perfect because I've seen him and I love every part of it. Perfect because the parts that I don't like, still don't turn me away.

Marriage seems like this journey of commitment to the worst in someone, who you're completely nude with, physically, emotionally, mentally, and physically, with an expectation to be hurt and still give them your best. A major trust game. I think it's easy to love someone and commit to all the wonderful things about them but the worst? That's when things get real. 

I'm just happy to say that I married my best friend. I'm happy that our wedding went the way we planned it and the honeymoon was amazing. I'm excited for what life will bring. I'm proud to carry his last name and I hope that I can be the wife he needs and wants. 

Pray for me y'all. I'll be praying for us too.  

31 Days until "I Do"

"One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time." 

- David Mace

Tomorrow marks 31 days until "I Do" for me and my husband-to-be. As much as this time is the beginning of something, it's also the end of something too. It's the end of an era. A pretty rocky one, but an awesome one nonetheless. I'm embarking upon a new journey and not only me, but a whole other person with me. It's just a tad bit scary. 

I find myself collecting as much wisdom and words of advice as I can. Trying to figure out the tricks and prepare myself for the hard times. It's a very sobering time. Everything seems as if it is beginning to slow down and I am continuously contemplating questions like, "How does marriage work?," "How does it fail?," and "Is there anything I'm missing?" 

In a month, I won't have the same name. I will walk down the aisle and vow forever's and always into eternity. I'm just saying. . . this is some heavy stuff. One should really take some time to think about these things.

As final preparations are made on decorations, final touches are being made on my heart in preparation for "I do." I'm really hope that I'm a decent wife. I don't want to be an "over-achiever," just enough to get by. (just kidding). I hope that he's a good husband but I believe he will be. 

The waiting game begins. 

In efforts to not wait in vain I'm going to finish the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, as well as brush up on my marriage scriptures and Proverbs 31. If you have any words of advice or encouragement, please feel free to write in our guest book. It would be greatly appreciated :)

To go to our webpage Click Here.

Something New

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

I can't really describe how I feel at this point in life. By "point," I mean like this very second, as in "right now" as I sit on my bed and write this blog. In summary, I think I'm all of the emotions together. I'm happy, excited, angry, frustrated, tired, alert, annoyed, disturbed, content, and yea. . . the list goes on. 

I wonder if this is how everyone feels when they're in transition to something new. I feel like I'm just waiting to get somewhere, kind of like when you are on a bus, train, or plane (whatever your preferred means of transportation) and you begin staring off into the window. In those moments it's like everything stops, so you have just enough time to reflect on where you've been and where you are going. You know you're getting closer, but you're not there yet. Although, in these moments, I always wish I was there. At least for the sake of knowing what is to come, if not anything else.

I'm anxious to be transitioning to something new. In addition to something old, something borrowed, and something blue. I'm anxious to be in unfamiliar territory. I'm fearful of the unknown. What is married life going to be like? What will my career look like? What does being a mother feel like?. . . and Will I be good or at least "Okay" at ANY of these things.

You just don't know.

Today, my fiance and I were speaking to the young adults in our youth group about what was going on in their lives and it seemed like a lot of them had their minds on their own transitions. One person, in particular, seemed to feel a lot like I feel about marriage, my career, and everything else, about transitioning from High School into "Adult life".

It took me back to when I was 18 and I didn't know what was to come. I didn't know if I was going to make it into college. I didn't know if I would make it out. I didn't know if I was going to stay with my High School sweetheart. I just didn't know.

The cool thing about life is that sometimes the unknown holds pleasant surprises. When I was 18, for example, although I really wanted to go to UGA, I ended up going to Spelman College and it was one of the BEST things that has ever happened to me. Memories like these remind me that something new can be just as exciting, as it is scary but it can be just what the doctor ordered. 

So now I'm preparing for something new. I expect that God has something great in store and I'm hoping that I'm strong enough to be great along with it. I'm trusting that the desires of my heart are whispers of God's heart and clues to my direction and purpose. I guess I have high expectations, but Hey. . . they haven't failed me yet! (Or I just can't remember when. . . so it doesn't count)

Either way, it's a learning process. Life is filled with moments that define your dash. I want my dash to say I lived life to it's fullest extent, with dignity, courage, and wisdom. . . and with guidance. So, I'm moving forward. 

Wish me luck on my something new. ;)

Marriage & Friendships

So, apparently when you get married . . . your friendships change. Who knew? I mean, this may seem clearly obvious to some people but this concept was not that obvious to this girl. Who, might I add, I think is pretty darn smart.

I’ve been thinking about how things change when people get into relationships and have come to the conclusion that marriage is like . . .the ultimate friendship breaker or maintainer. It’s like any friend that your spouse doesn’t really care for, or that just can’t seem to fit into your newly found joint schedule could potentially become “you remember that one person.”

This, to me at least, is unfortunate because I hate losing people. I think in most cases, you get to keep your really important friends, but what those relationships look like, will most likely change.

When I was in high school, I stayed on the phone until 6 AM with my two best friends almost every night. When I got into my first relationship, it’s seemed easy enough (to me, of course) to maintain my relationship with both of my best friends. One of them, I was dating, and the other was my girl Best friend, who I am still best friends with today. All-in-all, things changed but nothing major. Right?

Ehh.

I may not have openly recognized the change but my girl best friend did. I remember her saying, “I just feel like the third wheel.” I always thought it was weird because we all did the same exact thing, or at least in my mind we did. In reality, WE all changed. He and I flirted, held hands, and ran off to be alone, which wasn’t anything like what we did before. In response to us, she began looking for a relationship and no too long after we drifted.

 The only way things could be the same is if we all dated. . . and since that wasn’t going to happen (despite his efforts lol ::insider::), the relationship had to change.

Now that I’m a “grown up,” I’m coming to grips with what a husband will mean in relation to my friendships. As always, it’s my best friend who helps me to realize the things I refuse to acknowledge without a fight.

She helps by saying things like, “No, it’s okay. We can get off the phone. He’ll be your husband soon, so I have to get use to that. J” She’s not upset or anything. She’s actually extremely happy for us. She just does it out of respect for our relationship. It’s just something about the way she says it that makes me feel like “the end is near.”

Then I think, well what about all of my other relationships!? If my best friend and I won’t talk as much, what will happen to my other relationships!? What about my guy friends!? What about my single friends!? What about all my FRIENDS!????

Maybe I’m spazzing out a little (Just a little) but these are my real life thoughts.

From what I’m beginning to “understand,” my relationships WILL change and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a part of growing older and more together . . . all at the same time. I think you should make every good attempt to maintain your relationships but I think that the people who last, change with you.

In the hierarchy of things, your husband becomes your partner in the front part of the two-seat roller-coaster of life. You guys will go through everything together . . . kids, ups, downs, maybe some more kids, and other things (You like how well-versed I am in marriage lingo? ;p) Either way, your friends are UBER important, but that whole spouse thing takes the cake every time.

With that being said. . . I don’t plan on losing any of my friends. I just hope that everyone understands that our friendship may not look the same. I’m sure he’ll work with me while we’re figuring it out.

Live.OUT.Loud

Becoming Bridezilla

 

When I was younger, I knew several girls who seem to have their whole wedding planned out. From their dress to the favors to the guest list, all they needed was the groom to complete the picture perfect vision of pure bliss and matrimony. In my opinion, these girls were psychotic.

Harsh? Ehh, I mean . . .how you gonna plan your whole wedding day and think that your future husband will have no opinion or say in the whole thing? How do you even have time to focus on a wedding day and you still don’t have a man? I always thought that my wedding would be something that I would worry about when the day came. Actually, I never thought of it, which makes that last statement a lie.  Of course, this was a very strong and acceptable opinion held by my old self.

My new, happily engaged, but stressed out from wedding planning self, thinks a little differently about the girls who are yet and still single, but have no questions about their day. There was a point in life when I talked about those girls. . . and now. . . sadly enough, I envy them. To add insult to injury, I encourage every single woman that I meet to plan ahead, despite how crazy they may think it is. I image it would be a lot less stressful for them, than what’s going on with me right now.

Now, not only do I understand why a little early planning is not crazy, I also understand the science behind becoming bridezilla.

I never in my life thought that I would be the type of bride that was short, angry, and hard to please but slowly yet surely I’m beginning to see the horns growing. Despite the fact that I have no idea what I want in all of this, I only have roughly 3 months to plan. Some may argue that that’s my choice BUT I would like to argue that I am just trying to do what feels “right” to me.

My fiance, then boyfriend at the time, and I prayed coming into 2012 and one of the things that were clear as day to us was that God was going to allow us to be exposed to everything that he had in store for us in the future. So far, we have made business plans, music, graphics, worked in ministry, like-minded communities, mentored, did a little speaking, and have heard rave revues for confirmation that we were in the right place.

All of these things that we’ve been exposed to, were new to us yet seem to perfectly fit into our God-given purpose. When he proposed to me on July 27, 2012, we had every intention of getting married in April of 2013. That, of course, was until I started to get this anxious feeling about getting married in 2013, versus starting our covenant in the same year God blessed to be the beginning of many great things for us. When 2013 wouldn’t sit right with me, I talked to him about trying to make it work in 2012 and he was all for it.

EVERYONE OF COURSE (which is a part of my stress) keeps asking us “Why so soon?” To which we respond, 2012 was a really good year for us and we just wanted to keep it in 2012.

So anywho. . .

Here we are, planning to get married on November 24, 2012 and I am not the nicest person in the world. I think one of the biggest misconceptions that I had about getting married was that this whole thing was about me. WRONG. It’s not about me. It’s about family and friends who want to see you get married. This means that you get a second, third, and forth opinion about everything from where you can get married to who is on the guest list.

My question was, “Who’s putting in? Oh. . . not you. Hmm. . .”

I just feel like, IF in some alternate universe I could do whatever I wanted to do and no one would get offended, I would have a small wedding. My wedding would be in some small town with a few people that I adored, with a small reception before running off to some island and spending one-on-one time with the love of my life.

This plan doesn’t work for individuals, like me, with extremely large families and way too many friends. I’m not complaining. I’m totally blessed. My only issue is that if this truly was about me, I wouldn’t have to think about 300 other people that may possibly feel some type of way about my ideal wedding.

In general, this is potentially the beginning of me turning into a monster. Pray for me yall.

Plan ahead.

(Try to Think Happy Thoughts)

It's My Birthday. . .YAY!

"Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it." – Fyodor Dostoevsky 

 I want to start off by saying that this year has been AMAZING. I really don't know what advice to give (as far as re-producing an amazing year) but I will say that I think it had a lot to do with a change of heart, so to speak. Maybe even a change of mind . . . and soul.

What I do know, is that something happened to me when I started this journey back to myself and I'd image that anyone who felt lost should do the same. Walk backwards and start over.

Just to give a brief overview, about two years ago. . . I felt like my world was in shambles. So much so, that I ran away to a Christian Camp that I use to counsel at, just to breathe. Like life was just that bad, from a very difficult relationship, to a bad financial situation, to just about anything else I could imagine at the time. I sacrificed my freedom, essentially, to run away to the woods and spend time in ministry. That was 2010.

At this point in my life, it seems like a whole other lifetime. Yall, when I say I was broken into pieces. I was shattered. There was just so much going on. I felt so stuck in a body or life for that matter, that I could not escape from. The best way to describe it was in my post called Distorted Reflections, which in summary breaks down this feeling of living a life that was not my own.

In January of 2011, I made a decision to find myself. This decision was accompanied by this blog and a few promises to God and myself: (1) I shall Eat (Indulge), (2) I shall Pray (Reconnect with God), and (3) I shall Love (Learn to Love myself). Through 2011, I not only found God and myself, but Love also found me :). I finished 2011, feeling like I was coming out of fog.

This year has been an AMAZING year. A year, filled with life, love, and joy. 2012 has brought me a Fiance/Great Friend, a family that is beginning to pull itself back together, and friends who are coming into there own. 2012 has come with clarity in my purpose, ministry, vision, and stability. Man, 2012 has been great.

Why am I telling you about all this greatness!? Well, Today is my birthday and I am officially 25 years old. In my short life, I have been through some things and although I am more certain everyday I don't know everything. I do believe that I have learned a few things about how to find joy in your life. These are things, I want to share as a gift to you on my day.

The most important thing that I have learned in my 25 years of life (Don't laugh older people lol) is to never loose sight of who you are. For me, that means someone who can't breath without God, that means someone who desires purpose, and someone who has discovered now that her purpose is to positively impact the lives of others. When I went to find myself, I found my foundation and what really brought me joy and all the lies fell away.

Lies that I needed a man to validate me, or that I didn't need anyone because I was sufficient in myself. Lies that the world's standard was my own. I learned that the perfect balance between who I am and who God is, is all that I need to understand to move forward. I grew a lot.

So, my advice to you is: "When in doubt, Go back to the beginning." Right now, I'm enjoying my life more than I ever have before and I think it has everything to do with this process and understanding.

Thanks for Reading!

Live.Love.Laugh :)

10 Things You Don't Understand Until You Get Older

"Youth is wasted on the young" - Georgia Bernard Shaw

I've always felt that I have been rather mature for my age, but as I get older, I realize that the key to that phrase is: for my age. No matter how mature we are, the hope is that, with age comes more wisdom. I think another way of saying it is that, life experiences teach us the lessons that our parents probably wish they could have programmed in us from the start. The more life we experience, the more opportunity we have to learn from it.

Does these mean that you can't be a foolish older person? Clearly, we all know that you can. The trick is that wisdom is available to anyone, but it is something to be sought after. An individual's years on this earth is not synonymous with wisdom, but opportunity to get wisdom.

At, (almost) 25, I am hoping that in writing this, I still have enough youth in me to understand my predecessors, with enough wisdom to speak of things to come. This is my attempt to share some of the things that I did not understand until I got older and hope to not forget. 

10. Never say Never: There was a point in life when my best friend and I had a list of never's. To this day, we laugh at our selves and all the things we thought we'd never say, do, or think. What happened to the list? Let's just say that the list is non-existent at this point in our lives. Now, when one of us even thinks to say "never," the other quickly corrects her and says "Never say never. You remember the last time we said never," followed by a lot of laughs. 

Set standards. Not limitations. Be open. . . with caution.

9. Friends may come and friends May go: When I was in high school, I could not stand females. I thought they were just catty and emotional and other than my best friends, I did not want any other female friends. It's funny, looking back on such a short period of time and seeing those I thought would be here forever, as distant memories, while people I thought I'd never be friends with as my closest friends.

For this, I think you just have to be able to recognize true friendship. Everyone is not suppose to be, nor do they need to be your friends. At the same time, don't make presumptions. Let nature take it's friendly course. 

8. You will change: This may be hard to swallow, but it happens. Things change. It's the artist formerly know as progression. People evolve. Some for the better and some for the worst but it's a natural process. You should not and will not be the same person you were at 15, when you are 25 and you're hope should be that the 25 year old you is a lot better, smarter, wiser, etc. than the 15 year old you. #imjustsayin.

7. You will be something like your parents/caregivers: As much as my younger self would have made and attempt on my life for saying this, I must say that I am a lot more like my mother than I would have once projected to be. It's almost like a trick that you fall into and one day you begin doing things like they did. Now, take this with a grain of salt. Our parents, as all people, have their pluses and minuses but regardless of what we do, they are a part of us. 

I think even if you wanted to change it, you first have to acknowledge that some of them, made it into you and if you don't want it there, you have to actively change it. In my experience, I realize that I'm understanding my mother a lot more now. She is suddenly making more sense and our relationship is a lot better because of it.

6. You will always remember critical points in life: There are many points in our life that are classified as critical moments in our brains. Depending on what stage in life you are, it could be your marriage, or your first C. Either way, these are things that we don't forget. Again, Carpe Diem, but remember that our life is filled with moments, some great and some not so great. As much as you can prevent the "not so great," try it. Don't give yourself battle scares if you don't have to.

5. Your feelings will change: In general, this just means that although turquoise may be your favorite color in the whole wide world . . .it may not be in a few years. In my younger years, I thought I would never abandon orange, but as I grew older I realized that I don't really have a favorite color. Go figure.

4. You will have to figure somethings out on your own: Have you ever heard the saying, "It get's lonely at the top?" Well, it doesn't really apply here, BUT as you get older, things change and people expect you to make your own choices. People expect you to make the decisions and know what you are talking about.

Which translates to, take advantage of the information you take in. We spent our whole entire childhood, in school and being educated. Take advantage of those opportunities because by the time you are an adult, people just expect you to know. Period. That whole "I'm young" thing just doesn't work after a while.

3. Things in your past, have a way of catching up to you: Seriously though, be careful what you do on Spring Break. Honestly, be careful what you do in general. Whether that's eating unhealthy or being mean to people or being a little TOO FRIENDLY, if you know what I mean. . . what goes around, truly does come around. You don't want nothing crazy coming back to bite you in the behind.

2. Crazy in love changes to "I love you, even though. . .": There were several times in my life that I JUST KNEW I was in love. Boy, you couldn't tell me nothing. I just knew that love was this uncontrollable, emotional reaction that was wild, fun, and free. . . right? Not really at all.

When you get older, you may find that love never changed, but it's you that begins to understand the true meaning of love, being eternal, unrelenting, fierce and unconditional. Love becomes a choice. Not a whirlwind, but a conscious choice based on two individuals that need something. It's a partnership. In some instances you will find that the person you are with evolves with you and you can be together forever. On the other side, your idea of who you want to be with changes to more practical characteristics, like "Understanding," instead of "He needs to be 6"8 and play basketball."

Just listen to your gut. When I was in High School, my list of qualities was 45 items long. That list was pretty ridiculous. At the end of the day, the man on the list ain't got nothing on the man I'm going to marry.

1. You will get older: As long as you are alive on this planet, you will age. Your body will change, you will move slower,  you will get tired, and the list goes on. Be mindful and thankful of everyday you can be young, while still thinking about how you want to live when you're old. Take care of your body, both in the food you put in it and the thoughts. Stay positive and stay open.

Keep alive. I have faith in you.

Eat. Pray. Love.