"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely" - Mae WestWhen I first started writing, it took me a long time to begin. This was mostly due to the idea that I wanted to make sure that the full intention of the blog was always in plain sight: to share, to encourage, and to inspire. I thought about making my first post an introduction of myself, for obvious reasons, but after thinking about it I felt like it would be better if people didn't focus on me. I wanted to introduce myself through my writing, to give people a chance to identify. At this point, my writing has triggered some conversation among friends on aspects of my life they may or may not have been privy to. Therefore, I found it necessary to make some things clear.
So, the inspiration of this blog has been a few conversations that left me thinking, "Wow, this person has no idea who I am." I don't know if you have ever had that experience but in my case, I usually try to give my closest friends all of me: The ugly, The uglier, and The ugliest. Well, maybe not that bad, but you understand where we are going here.
At one point I prided myself in being a person of integrity. A person that was honest with people and didn't accept anyone in my life who didn't accept me for me. Which worked out really well of course, until it happened. "It" being one of life's low periods that tend to define us. This was a point in my life where I was questioning everything: Who I was? Who my friends were? Who my family was? Who God was?
My series of questioning threw me into a whirlwind of changing my priorities and sequentially changing me. I don't think that the me that is here today is not the me that went through my two years of questioning, but I also believe the same in reverse. I was always me, it's just that everyone met the me that they wanted to meet. I didn't actively try to project anything. I was more interested in trying to see them, than what they could see in me.
At the end of this journey, I came out stronger, wiser, and better; but lonely. I came out realizing that I had to reform myself with some of the old me and some of the new me. The scariest part of this process is that unfortunately, some of the same people that were around me may not be the ones that are with me at the end of the process. That's a hard thing to come to grips with when you grow fond of people. It's even harder to know that you have to let people go because they no longer understand who you are.
With all that said, I must introduce myself to the people that will be getting off at the next stop, and the passengers that will ride to the end of the track. I'm a christian, black, female.
I am christian first because I identify with God before I am identified with my color or sex. It is the part of me that I chose at 14 years of age and the part of me that has kept me sane in the 10 years thereafter. I don't identify with any denomination but I don't shy away from any either. The summary of my belief can be put into two words: Faith & Word. I have faith in God, Jesus, Baby Jesus, the holy spirit and I believe that the bible gives us instruction on how to live.
I am black second because before I identify with my sex, I identify with my culture. A culture that is wrapped up in strength, struggle, pain, and community. I will jump up with my brothers and sisters before I jump up for most other causes. I believe we as a people have always believed that we rise and fall together, not until we came west did our opinions change.
Lastly but not least, I am a woman because that's what I am. I have to identify with my sisters because we have issues unique to us. There is nothing like the bond between female friends. Nothing like it. I love my sisters and they have helped to shape me into the woman that I am today.
After these things, I am generally happy, artistic, dramatic, emotional, thoughtful, caring, loving, and silly. I love to laugh. I love being in love. I take a million pictures. I cry a lot. I am strong, but I'm weak with those that I can be weak with. The list goes on.
There a lot of things that I am and there are a lot of things that I'm not but in all of that: I am me. You either take it or leave it. I love me. I can't say I care too much if you feel the same.You have to love yourself before you love anyone else. This is true for many reasons but on the lowest scale, it is for you to know who to love. It helps you to love people that can love you and know that you have to love others that can't, from a distance.
I'm loving me. You should love you too :).
So, the inspiration of this blog has been a few conversations that left me thinking, "Wow, this person has no idea who I am." I don't know if you have ever had that experience but in my case, I usually try to give my closest friends all of me: The ugly, The uglier, and The ugliest. Well, maybe not that bad, but you understand where we are going here.
At one point I prided myself in being a person of integrity. A person that was honest with people and didn't accept anyone in my life who didn't accept me for me. Which worked out really well of course, until it happened. "It" being one of life's low periods that tend to define us. This was a point in my life where I was questioning everything: Who I was? Who my friends were? Who my family was? Who God was?
My series of questioning threw me into a whirlwind of changing my priorities and sequentially changing me. I don't think that the me that is here today is not the me that went through my two years of questioning, but I also believe the same in reverse. I was always me, it's just that everyone met the me that they wanted to meet. I didn't actively try to project anything. I was more interested in trying to see them, than what they could see in me.
At the end of this journey, I came out stronger, wiser, and better; but lonely. I came out realizing that I had to reform myself with some of the old me and some of the new me. The scariest part of this process is that unfortunately, some of the same people that were around me may not be the ones that are with me at the end of the process. That's a hard thing to come to grips with when you grow fond of people. It's even harder to know that you have to let people go because they no longer understand who you are.
With all that said, I must introduce myself to the people that will be getting off at the next stop, and the passengers that will ride to the end of the track. I'm a christian, black, female.
I am christian first because I identify with God before I am identified with my color or sex. It is the part of me that I chose at 14 years of age and the part of me that has kept me sane in the 10 years thereafter. I don't identify with any denomination but I don't shy away from any either. The summary of my belief can be put into two words: Faith & Word. I have faith in God, Jesus, Baby Jesus, the holy spirit and I believe that the bible gives us instruction on how to live.
I am black second because before I identify with my sex, I identify with my culture. A culture that is wrapped up in strength, struggle, pain, and community. I will jump up with my brothers and sisters before I jump up for most other causes. I believe we as a people have always believed that we rise and fall together, not until we came west did our opinions change.
Lastly but not least, I am a woman because that's what I am. I have to identify with my sisters because we have issues unique to us. There is nothing like the bond between female friends. Nothing like it. I love my sisters and they have helped to shape me into the woman that I am today.
After these things, I am generally happy, artistic, dramatic, emotional, thoughtful, caring, loving, and silly. I love to laugh. I love being in love. I take a million pictures. I cry a lot. I am strong, but I'm weak with those that I can be weak with. The list goes on.
There a lot of things that I am and there are a lot of things that I'm not but in all of that: I am me. You either take it or leave it. I love me. I can't say I care too much if you feel the same.You have to love yourself before you love anyone else. This is true for many reasons but on the lowest scale, it is for you to know who to love. It helps you to love people that can love you and know that you have to love others that can't, from a distance.
I'm loving me. You should love you too :).
No comments:
Post a Comment