Fictional Christian

What does it take to be a man or woman of God. . . because at this point I fear that I am not it. I fear that the church has been telling me for my entire like that the rules to being a Christian are much too stringent for just ANYONE to fit in. No, it requires a peculiar type of person, who is empowered with the strength of God to accomplish greatness, with out sin.

Yes, if you thought that Jesus died and washed away all of our sins, you are correct; but I feel as though it is not the same in my brother and sister's eye. For once I reveal my transgressions, I feel pushed aside, ostracized, and unclean; Left to forever wash the sin from my thighs or my mouth or my thoughts, just to fit in. How hard is it to get to God when you are forced to go through his people? How much do they look like God? How much do I?

Am I merciful? Am I forgiving? Do I judge those who have committed "greater" sins? Some days I feel like a fictional Christian. I feel like I can't talk about what I'm really going through, with someone who could pray with me and would still see me as a child of God. I feel like because I do sin, sometimes forget to pray, and still can't find a church home that I cannot be considered as a follower of Jesus Christ. I feel like Christians spend their whole lives learning what not to do, that they don't focus on the scriptures about love (Matthew 22: 36-40) or forgiveness (Matthew 18: 21-22), or what it actually means to be saved.

Salvation is nothing that you did for yourself by accomplishing perfection, but what God did for all of those that make the choice to believe in their hearts and confess with their mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord (Romans 10: 9-10). The lie is that you can't be a Christian, if you've sinned. The truth is that if you keep your focus on God. . .all other things will pass away.

If you've ever felt this way, just know that people, Saints or Sinners, don't hold the key to your salvation. Jesus does and he gave you the power to make one choice to guide all the rest of your choices. Read it and believe it for yourself.

Thank the Lord, who reigns on the thrown, who passes judgement based on our hearts and not on our actions. I love you.

Your Daughter,

Falling in Love with Me

In.SECURE{me}

I have the power to change

everything about me

that society says is not right or should not be

I am secure in me

'Cause when my naps make me feel

too much like mother Africa

I can perm them and press them down

to feel like the rest of ya

I am securely me

I don't think that I'm anywhere close to a ten

and the points I do have

do not come from what lies within

they come from

the smallness of my waist

curving out to the far regions of my back side

and the overall reaction I get

from any common attraction

Secure is in me

When it's not about my looks

It about what I can do with some books

a few degrees

and praise

Not my mind, but what my mind

can put forth

to demonstrate my intelligence

not to promote wisdom

but to promote fame

In securely me

I use to hate

the skin that I'm in

and my solution was not to love it

but convince myself

that it was just the skin

that I'm in

Not to find it beautiful

to accept it as a shortcoming

and in essence

embrace my skin as a sin

I am insecure

Everything I do I second guess it

my appearance of confidence is a clever way

not to stress it

Humility is another way to dress it

but when it all falls down

its implicit

I need security

Unfortunately I have given up my power

and now I need you

world

Cold, Cruel World

to develop a more secure

me

This is something that I

can only describe

as the. . .

In.SECURE{me}

Pretty Wings

"I came Wrong, You were right/ Transformed your love into like/ Baby believe me, I'm sorry I told you lies. . . I turned day into night, sleep till I die a thousand times/ I should have showed you better nights, better times, better days" - Pretty Wings, Maxwell

Sometimes the best solution is no solution at all. Sometimes the best thing to do, is to stop doing and to just be. Sometimes the best way to hold on. . . is to let go.

Yesterday I was driving home, after a wonderful day. I got to hang out with two very important people to me, I was able to be productive and I was happy. As I was driving, I realized that I was tired and I turned up my music and pressed "shuffle." This is usually my process when I want to listen to music I like, but not necessarily in any type of order. Which can be exciting, when it plays everything I want to hear, or not so much in the opposing situation. Regardless, every once in a while a song played that takes me back to a place I forgot was there. In this case, a few songs played that reminded me of several situations but the one that topped it off was "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell.

Why, you ask? Well, despite the fact that it is a beautiful song, I have been hurt before. Several times actually, but this "hurt" I speak of has been a slow working hurt for the past two years. It's been one that has infected my soul to the point of defacing my character, all the while it has been the cocoon that has blossomed me in the person that I love so much today. (I don't think you understand how hard it was for me to say that. . .so I'm going to say it again.) I love myself :)

Anyway, this place of "hurt" has been hidden deeper, and deeper, and deeper into me that I began to worry because I knew how I should feel but never did. I felt like God had blessed me with a state of temporary amnesia but even in the blessing, the downside was that it would eventually wear off and I would have to face this pain . . . one day. It's just that for now, it was locked inside, in a place called foolish pride. (per Janelle Monae)

Who would have known that music would be the key to my heart's worried? It was as if, it slipped in under the 200 lb securely bolted door, through the locks, past the guards and struck the chord that reminded me of my sadness. As the song began, my eyes swelled and tears streamed. I remembered the hurts, pains, lies, tears, arguments, loneliness. . .and I cried. I cried because I know it took a lot to walk away. It took a lot to let go, but somewhere in that decision I was considered by both parties.

I use to think if someone could walk away and never look back then they never wanted to be there in the first place, but recently I have been presented with another option. Sometimes people leave to give you a chance to be free. Sometimes people leave because they know that it is no longer beneficial for them to be with you in that place.

This song marked a revelation for me that someone cared enough about me to save me, Someone cared enough about me to let me go and someone cared enough to send someone magnificent in place of what I had lost. Someone cared.

. . . and I am forever grateful.