Matrimonial Phobia

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." - Anonymous

My name is Falling In Love With Me and I am. . . a "Matrimonia-Phobic" or Gamophobic, take your pick. If you are wondering, 'Hey, did she just make that first word up?,' then you no longer have to wonder because, I did.

The actual term, Gamophobic means fear of marriage or commitment to relationships which I don't wholeheartedly believe I am. I just think that I'm more on the former 'fear of matrimony' side. It's funny that I'm finding this fear to grow stronger and stronger each day I see a new relationship change on my Facebook news feed to "engaged" or "Married."

Ironically, I am so happy for other people and I wish them long and successful marriages with lots and lots of babies that I would love to babysit and take pictures of. . . but me!? Let's just saying I'm having a hard time seeing me. . . there. . . right now. Panic arises at the thought of it, along with questions like 'Lord, am I running out of time?,' 'Am I even the "Marriage Type"?,' 'Will I be in that rare percent that lives to see a 50th anniversary?,' 'Will I make a good mom, or a good wife for that matter?'. . . and the list goes on.

To say the least, the idea of marriage is really starting to freak me out.

To give a little credit to myself, relationships use to freak me out, as well, but I got over that and am now in a AWESOME, committed relationship, but the marriage part. . . not so much. I think what scared me with relationships was failure and I'm assuming that if I dig deep enough that is the same concept here. I hope that people that are not afraid, don't read this and suddenly become this way because I know its a little wacky, I'm just seeking social guidance. (HELP!) I mean seriously, what are the chances of ANYTHING good happening in life. . .really?

I'm just saying, life is hard alone. . . but, with someone else? That's gotta be tough right? Or maybe it is one of the biggest reliefs and/or gifts God has to offer. . . to not be alone. I'm just feeling like the sudden sinking feeling in my chest now, is not the most suitable conditions for marriage . . . now.

Pray for me. :)