Woman to Woman: A Letter to the Other Woman

This is a letter from a woman who struggled with a man who is not monogamous. From one woman to another, she writes the other woman in hopes to learn, teach, and grow. I think that it is a very interesting perspective.

Woman:

I would imagine that it feels weird that I'm writing this, especially as it is addressed to you, but I find that at this point in my life there is no need  for formalities. We are all aware of the realities of our relationship at this point. Our common denominator. I won't say who he is because at this point, I don't think it matters, what matters is that we now have an issue between you and I. This issue of ill feelings and bad wishes is something that has now begun to plague me, but I had to search long and hard for the reason why.

I don't know you, nor do I have any cares about you. Not as an insult, I'm just trying to be honest and as the woman that came before you, I understand. Hence, the pressing need for a conversation. If you think I haven't gave it to him, I have, but the air that I get from you is that you still don't understand who your enemies are to keep close, and your potential allies to keep closer. After thinking long and hard, I thought about why I was angry with you and ultimately the issue was not that you were with him while I was too. A man that leaves is not worth having and relationships created with loose ties, never really end. I believe my issue was that I don't believe you ever considered that my story could be yours.

I don't believe that you ever considered that one day, you would be the woman on the other side of the fence, watching as he slowly drifted away. I think my main problem is that you never cared to think about how you would feel, when put in the same situation. There is rarely a point in situations like this, that a woman is unaware that there is someone else there. Yet, you chose to ignore the signs, all to continue a love affair.

We are not the same woman at all, nor do we have the same dreams, but the one thing we have in common is him. I just wished you would have thought it through before you became the other woman and he did the same thing to you. Now as the bitterness sets in, its hard to understand who to trust. So I really hope you understand what I'm about to say.

Women don't understand how much more power they have when they work together, versus against. As a woman who has been there longer, through different situations, I could have offered you some helpful hints. I could have told you how you would feel when it all came to an end. I could have also told you that just because he ever chose you once or twice, doesn't mean that we ever came to an end. I could have been an ally in your corner, to push for your own personal desires. Instead, I was a fighting force against your inspirations and now we arrive at the hour and purpose for a letter from me to you.

I wish we could have at least shared an understanding. I wish I could have offered information to you because woman to woman, I understand why you fell and why you thought it didn't matter. I understand why you changed and how your emotions turned sour. I understand how you began to question every woman who ever came around because at one point that was me and that woman around was you. The secret, solution, and problem is within us.

I fault myself for letting my relationship go on beyond the first inkling of you. As well as, not making a better attempt to help you understand that you were never my issue. Ultimately I was. As you will soon realize that you are too. I am my own issue because when he went back and forth to you, it made me feel like I was less of something, but just as this situation doesn't define me, it doesn't define you either. He has his own issues to take up with the higher power, but karma is a bitch so be careful who you step over. I know who I am and I know what I'm worth, which is why eventually things did come to an end. I feel that now you have to find that within yourself.

Using men as a source of relief will only drill deeper into the void. While confrontation with me, is also pointless because long before you, there was me and honestly as much as titles changed, a lot of things stayed the same. My hope is that we grow. My hope is that in retrospect, we aren't catty and spiteful towards each other but that we develop this understanding: Just as I am a woman, so is she. She cries like I do, she feels like I do, and she hopes like I do. I care about her because I care about me. If she starts an issue, that's one thing, but if there is an opportunity to have a conversation, I will try my best to understand her position. It doesn't mean that I will not continue to pursue a relationship with him, yet it does mean that I will be respectful about it.

Now I look forward to a successful relationship with someone who doesn't cause these kinds of issues in my life. I hope you find what you are looking for, as well. As for if there is ever a point in your life where you meet a man who isn't exactly free, proceed with caution. Remember that she has a heart too and if she were you, what would you do?

I wish you well,

Woman

No means NO: Pushy vs. Persistent

I think there is a point in any individual's life when they run across that one person that can't take a hint. They calls, you don't pick up, they text, you don't answer. . . yet, they just keep coming back. How do you correctly convey you needs in a relationship, from courtship to intimate relationships? How do you tell someone when enough is enough and when their "enough" is not enough?

This is an issue for both men and women. For the more out-spoken, it seems like this is never really an issue. These people usually don't have a problem saying, "Hey, Don't text me anymore"
or "I don't really like you like that," but for those of us who are not that extroverted. . . It's sometimes difficult to tell people that their persistence is moving to a place of flatter to exile.

This is not just an issue in romantic relationships, but friendship as well. Sometime you have some friends that need to be called everyday or they will EX you out of there live, while others may not care if they ever talk to you. It really depends on your personality.

For me, in friendships I need some people to be closer than others. For the people that are closest to me, I would like to hear from them at least two to three times a week. For others, it can go either way. Sometimes I like to text and sometimes I like to talk but it really depends on my mood. All in all, I want to have pretty consistent communication with people that are important to me. Mutual communication. When it gets too one-sided I will back off or strike up a conversation.

At the same time, that communication changes. For texts, I don't like never ending conversations. It's text messaging... but please don't just take it upon yourself to call without asking because I will feel no guilt in letting the phone reach the answering machine.

Romantically, I'm still an introvert in public. I can be affectionate, although its a struggle, but I just prefer to not be emotional in public. Communication wise, I like to speak daily. Nothing too serious but I love texts that indicate there is some thought about me during the day. It makes me feel warm. There is a limit. I like to hang out when I can but its not always my first mode of operation. Since my focus isn't really in this place right now, I'm making no really strong efforts to chill on a romantic level.

So, how do I define pushy versus persistent?

To me, persistent is when there is some form of consistent communication, not constant. It is when the person understands when to aim for a hang out or when to just leave it at "just thinking about you." When every text message is a deep conversation, I get annoyed. It's also sometimes frustrating when I never get to initiate contact. Persistent can mean a morning text at 10am every other day, which gives me the opportunity to send a text earlier or in-between to state my level of interest. If I'm not sending that text, It may be safe to assume that its not in the forefront of my mind.

My level of attempt to make communication says a lot. It can mean that I'm busy or that my feelings are not the same. This is where the hint comes in. As much as I love motivation and moderate persistence. . . pushy is a TURN-OFF. PUSHY is like the serial killer of relationships because I want to communicate and hang, but when it becomes too much for me... I'd rather sever the relationship than have a conversation that that individual is just doing too much. I hate feeling forced into things.

No means no. If a someone says no. Just leave it alone. If someone is unsure, give them space to think. If a someones says no and means yes. They will most likely indicate that at some point after. No need to hurry along the process and if you don't have time. Move on. Just because you feel they way you feel, doesn't mean anyone else has to. That's life. Attraction is rarely a two way street.

Please, Don't catch a stalker case, just relax.

Think moderation :)

Think.Happy.Thoughts

Cutting Ties

"Friendship is like an expensive china. It can be fixed when it is broken, but the crack will remain."

Ehhh. . . This quote could go either way. In some cases, this is true and in others, relationships can be strengthened by a little hot water and polishing. I guess the trick here is to be able to decipher between what is broken and what can be repaired. In my experience, it all depends on how badly both individuals want the relationship.

I would consider a relationship broken when one person no long wants the relationship. In this case, I would argue that the crack will remain because there is usually some residual negative feeling when some one tries to completely get rid of it, but this too, is debatable.

Growing up and learning how relationships have their ups and downs, or ebbs and flows so-to-speak; I've learned that my longest lasting relationship have been either: an act of God, an act of one's party's extreme dedication, or an act of mutual understanding.

For my act of God relationships, I feel that those people were destined to be forever and for whatever reason. . .It just works. When I met them, we clicked. When we talk, it works. It just seems to be this over-all effortless thing that means a lot to me. It never seems to matter how much time goes in between speaking, or how much effort goes into the relationship; It just works.

For my act of one's party's extreme dedication, I feel that these people in my life at some point fought really hard to be there. I'm not the most emotional person and in a few cases, individuals had to spend a long time putting into the relationship until it finally clicked to me that they were someone that I could hold on to. I think these are the relationships that I try to work hardest at because I have so much slack to catch up on.

My last seemingly indestructible relationship type is an act of mutual understanding. This is the type of relationship that all of the previous ones have, it just encompasses more than the deepest levels of friendship. These are the people that just know where we stand. Some of these people are movie buddies, hang-out buddies, school buddies, etc, all the way up to my Best Friends. It's just that understanding that this is your place and my life (Whatever that place is) and we both know that nothing is going to change that.

In the cases where none of these apply, it's always difficult to evaluate because depending on where you are in life, you need people for different things. There are times when we need a lot of support, and other times when we need none at all. This is where communication comes in.

Sometimes cutting ties is a natural process and sometimes it happens prematurely but at the end of the day it happens. When a relationship comes to the point where it's no longer beneficial to you, I encourage you to really think about the other person before making the final dissection. You should ask yourself, if the relationship is beneficial to both parties, just you, or the other person?

If you find that you are no longer receiving the benefits, you may want to consider how much of a friend you really want to be to someone. Relationships are not always about YOU. You should never just cut ties because the relationship is shifting to where you are no longer the primary focus, because in some cases, that person may not be in a position to give. In my best friend and I's case, we take turns. At the end of the day, what goes around comes around. . . and that can work for you or against you.

Lastly, when you make the decision for all the right reasons. No one can blame you for that. Not everyone holds a permanent position in your life. Spring cleaning allows room for new relationships and new experiences.

Cut Wisely :)

Think.Happy.Thoughts