"There are many times when silence is the loudest voice" -Leroy Brownlow
What could possibly come out of not saying anything? This is the question that I found myself asking yesterday. After a long series of heated debates, tears, cussing, and down right frustration, I frantically searched for a way out. March has been like this. I find that my friends are far away but I'm use to it now, decisions have to be made yet I'm the only one that can make them, and I'm at a cross-roads that has no instructions on which way to turn.
I feel like I'm yelling to be heard when I do get a chance to talk, but no one seems to be listening. It seems as if I've been fighting for so long I don't remember how it feels for my heart to walk and not race. I just wanted to know how it would be if everything wasn't so LOUD.
My friends are not strangers of my disappearing acts, or distancing spells but there was something about this time that was a little different than the others. I no longer wanted to escape to figure things out, or to be by myself because I knew it would be better. . . I just wanted everything inside to stop. Me. Not the world. It seems like I have been going for so long that I forgot what it feels like to just be. Not filling a space to get to another space or thinking thoughts to get to other thoughts. . . I just had this overwhelming sense to be quiet. So I did.
My mission is to learn what is in silence. . .if anything. What is the benefit of sitting in the quiet and just being? I'm good at making lists and plans and attempting to implement plans but silence. . . is something that I've never tried before. I feel like once I learned to defend myself, I never stopped. Which is great, but still, it's not peaceful to always be hurt, defensive, or anxious. It's not fun to always be worried about whether the decision you made, was the right choice. Nor is it fun to worry about whether the people in your life are out to get you. It makes my head crowded with thoughts that i can't process, so they all just pile up and wait in a never ending line of confusion.
With all that being said, I'm taking a silent approach. I don't think that I can just "drop" everything because that would be a tad bit irresponsible BUT. . . I can give it to God. When I was trying to figure out how I can be silent and not fail in everything, I remembered that I should "be anxious for nothing, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [my] requests to God"(Phillipians 4:6). So, my solution to quieting my life for a few days is to hand it over to someone else.
"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." - Mother Teresa
Hopefully, if this works out I can give God a permanent position as my manager, while I take the more scenic route in life.
I will definitely let you all know how this turns out :)
Think. Happy. Thoughts.
God speed. (:
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