Dealing with being Misunderstood

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand?" - Anonymous 

I’ve felt like the victim of being misunderstood many times in my life before and I’ve always left those experiences, thinking ‘I will never let that happen to me again.’ In retrospect, I’m learning that it’s foolish to think that I could control people’s understanding/perception of me. As if, with all the people in the world, I will be the one person that will never be misunderstood.

That’s completely unrealistic. Although, I think you can give it a good try.

I think it had to be the vanity or pride in me that said I could become so skilled at speaking that I would never be misunderstood. Now my question is why do I care so much?

The most realest response I can give to that is simple.  It hurts. I’m not going to create the illusion that I always care because I don’t. I’m just saying that when I care, it hurts when it doesn’t work out as planned.

To delve even further into that thought, I think it has a lot to do with my expectations of the other person. If I expect someone to be reasonable, I assume reason will always appeal to them. (That is also assuming that I am always being clearly reasonable). This can apply to emotion or even blunt force. Regardless, I feel I can make a decent attempt to match verbal communication styles.

I believe in the Law of Reciprocity in communication. Speak unto others as they would speak unto you. In this case, that means I will communicate back to you, how you communicate to me.

The lesson I’m learning now is how to better deal with being misunderstood, offended, misinterpreted, or mishandled.

In the past, my favorite resolve was to shut down and assume the person who misunderstood me was unreasonable and would always be that way. 

Dramatic. Yes, I know. This evolved to learning different ways to communicate to help limit misunderstandings, which worked pretty well up until now.

Now, I realize that there are a variety of ways to deal with being misunderstood and they are all okay, depending on the situation. The point is: You will be misunderstood and it’s okay. These are my ways to deal:

Move on. This is also known as the “agreed to disagree” method. There are times when it’s just not that serious and there is no need to keep pushing the point. This is up to the individual because what’s important to me may not be important to you. I think you should at least try to honor someone else’s feelings. This also varies, depending on your expectation of the relationship.

Plead your case. This is when you try to appeal. Being married, it’s tough arguing because a lot of the arguments and rationales behind the arguments don’t change. I think this method calls for creativity and determination. This is usually a method, I attribute to big misunderstandings with people that are important to you.

When relationships are important to you, you try your best to understand.

Re-assess the situation (Surrender). This is a tough one. This can be looked at in three different ways: (1) This is a big deal to you but it’s a bigger deal to the other person, (2) This is not that big of a deal to you and you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or (3) you’re communication is ineffective.

This means that sometimes you’re just not clear, or even worse . . . you’re wrong. Sometimes, it’s not even about right or wrong. This is when you take a step back and say, ‘Maybe, I’m not being understood because I just don’t know what I’m talking about.’ This can also be where you say, ‘Maybe this really isn’t that big of a deal’ and revert to method A.

Take a step back. This is an option that I usually don’t take. I feel like it’s quitting, but it can be actually be a strength if none of the other options work. This is the option that can preserve relationships at a minimal state. 

This is when you come to the conclusion that not only can you not reach an understanding, but future misunderstandings are very likely to lead to something more detrimental than walking away. I think this takes a deepened level of maturity.

Those are my thoughts, but I’m still processing. I’m sure I’ll come back to this and reflect as I grow. 

Think Happy Thoughts :)

My Review on Pregnancy: Part II

2^ND Trimester

Walking into this trimester felt a lot like walking into school on the first day of my senior year. On one side it felt like, “I made it!,” and on the other side it felt like, “Dang, I have two whole semesters left!”

This part of pregnancy, as I’ve heard it described previously, was definitely my Honeymoon Phase. I know that this is not always the case for everyone. Every pregnancy, even for the same person, can be different. For me, one of the reasons it was so awesome was the fact that morning, afternoon, and evening sickness magically disappeared. In addition to that (which was enough), this trimester was when I received my ultrasound!

Apparently, depending on where you live and the type of pregnancy you have, you may have had several ultrasounds by this trimester. During my pregnancy, I only had one, which was at my 5 month check-up. This was also the appointment to determine the anatomy of our little one.

I really wanted a boy but would not have loved a daughter any less. A large part of me feared a little girl. This fear was rooted in the thought that my little girl would be just like me, which ironically aroused a deep sense of horror.  I wasn’t necessarily a “bad” kid. I’ve just  always been very “strong-willed” and I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to deal with a little replica of myself. I could just imagine her looking at me with a blank face and saying, “Well Mom, I’m going to do it like this anyway.”

On the day of the ultrasound, I was so anxious. We knew it wouldn’t matter but it was a HUGE secret that I really really wanted to know. After checking for hands, feet, toes, elbows, and every single body part you can imagine, the nurse asks, “Are you ready to find out the sex?”

 I wanted to scream my answer but I held it together with a smile and a nod. I looked at my husband, who was cool, calm and collected and within seconds, there it was in all of it’s little glory! I smiled and said, “Oh, wow babe,” to which my husband responded, “What?”

The nurse followed with, “It’s a Boy,” and my husband searched the screen with a very big smile on his face and said, “I don’t see it.”

Once we knew the sex, everything picked up. My baby bump came in, which was cool because people finally could tell I was pregnant. I created a baby registry, planned for a shower and began to panic! 

The not so enjoyable part of this trimester was that after the sickness, I developed Ptyalism, which is a fancy word for excess salivation.  Yes, for those of you who were not aware, I literally spit for 6 months straight. A lot of people had advice for how I could make this better but there was really no end to it. It also seemed like all the solutions were more for other people than they were for me. No matter what I did, any solution I tried would only last for as long as I was doing it.

I would apologize for those of you who were exposed to this, but since I not only hated doing it AND had no choice in the matter. . . I won’t. I might add that this in conjunction with growing rapidly, hormones, swollen feet, and a very active baby made me slightly cranky and sensitive to this little problem.

At the end of this trimester, I was a strong mix between, “Lord, am I ready for this?” and “Please get this little person out of me.” It was awesome.

3^RD Trimester

This trimester snuck up on me. Like, I literally didn’t realize I was in it until my little phone app told me. This, again, brought on a surge of panic (Notice the continual theme of panic, which is not at all recommended).

For some reason I didn’t realize that I was actually going to have to get this baby out of me in a REAL way. I’ve seen A Baby Story and 16 & Pregnant a million times but the labor and delivery part just didn’t really click for some reason.

In addition to this new actualization, I’m very much skeptical of modern medicine and “The Business of Being Born” documentary did not help this fear . . . AT ALL (Side note: I recommend this documentary for expecting parents to be educated on your options,  not matter what you decide is best for you and your family). Thankfully my best friend and my belly partner were there to help me get mentally and physically prepared.

I watched documentaries, read books and blogs, talked to mothers, watched YouTube, did exercises, and prayed, heavily. My mother was also a big help because she had four children au natural sans meds, and she assured me that it could be done.

Although, this trimester is for resting, nesting, and waiting, it was a little more stressful than I’d hoped. My husband and I moved into an apartment to have a more tranquil space during my second trimester, which was very challenging. Unfortunately, we soon realized that our new apartment was more like Hell’s kitchen than a tranquil resting place. This translated into extreme stress and discomfort for me, along with an additional very stressful move.

Some of the joys of this trimester were my baby shower and setting up all the cute and wonderful gifts. It was also cool to dream of his face and imagine what kind of person he would be. Pregnancy, in general, brought on some pretty intense, vivid dreams. At the end, they were more centered on the baby but man, did I have some crazy dreams.

Some of the “not so hot” moments were baby gymnastics in my stomach at inopportune times, NO SLEEP, waddling, hip spreading, shortness of breath for little to no reason at all, the struggle of getting up and everyone asking when the baby was coming before my due date. After being the one pregnant for 9 months, it was really hard to hear people say that they couldn’t wait any longer for my baby. It was even more frustrating for people to see me and say, “that baby didn’t come yet!?”

Believe me. . . No one wanted him out more than me.

At the very end, I was so anxious. I knew he was coming for two weeks straight. All of the information I read said that you would know when it was time and that was true. I definitely knew.

My Review on Pregnancy: Part I

"The topic of pregnancy can be a lot of different things to a lot of different people. During my process, I knew of several women who began this journey, but did not share the same experiences. Although some of them may remember their experience with laughter and joy, some of them may remember it in grief and sorrow. I just want to honor those women that experienced loss with my condolences and understanding.

'There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.' - Faces of Hope"

Some of you may be asking, “Can you write a review on Pregnancy?” I’m not exactly sure, although that’s exactly what I intend to do. I believe that after 10 months of pregnancy (YES, 10 whole months), I have become an expert on “my pregnancy” and do not claim to be an expert on anyone else’s. I've been asked several times about my experience, so this is just my overview.

Discovering the Plus Sign

One Sunday, on the way to church, my husband and I had that conversation that I imagine some couples may or may not have when Aunt Flow does is late for her arrival. He says, “Did she come yet?” I say, “No, I think I’m going to have to check her flight.” He says, “Ok, well let’s do that.”

After we get to church I suddenly realize that I’m hungry and tell him that I am going to grab some breakfast. He nods, unsuspectedly, and I hurry of to grab some breakfast, after making a pit stop to the convenience store. Let’s just say that along with breakfast, I received the most shocking, beautiful, scary, wonderful news ever.

It’s clear from this story that I’m extremely patient.  So, after staring at my news with my mouth wide open for ‘who knows how long,’ I shared the news with my husband (who just happened to be in a meeting) via text message. Who shortly replied, ‘It’s game time.’ And so it began. . .

1^ST Trimester

I’m not sure if this is a rational fear for all women who have never been pregnant or just the women I know BUT prior to “discovering the plus sign,” I wasn’t sure I would be able to get pregnant. Maybe women are just engrained to worry or again, maybe that’s just me. I was so afraid of not being able to conceive that I did little to prevent it. This coupled with being only two months into marriage, left my husband and I a little unprepared.

So, if I were to describe my first trimester, I was gripped with worry. Thankfully, I had afternoon and evening sickness to accompany my morning sickness, which help put things into perspective. Someone described the first trimester as the part of pregnancy where you feel the most pregnant, yet no one seems to notice. I can understand the sentiment, although waddling has a way of making you feel pretty pregnant.

We tried to keep the news to ourselves for the first three months, as some suggest, but in some cases I had to share. For example, as a social worker, you have to have some pretty tough skin, which prior to pregnancy was more than doable.

Early on, I remember sitting at a desk, reading an e-mail with tears streaming down my face. Why you might ask? I honestly don’t know. I just remember not liking what they wrote and feeling the sudden urge to cry hysterically. I knew it was bad when I couldn't stop and consider responding to the e-mail in the most erratic way possible. At that point, I thought that it would be best to tell my supervisor about my current state. At least that way, someone could talk my down from the keyboard.

I remember one day I made it all the way to work and as soon as I turned into the parking lot, I opened the door and threw up. So, I called my supervisor, told her today wasn’t a good day for me, and drove right back home.

These experiences, along with excessive bathroom use, coming from everywhere, made my 1^st trimester challenging and memorable. Yet, this time also brought us the first heartbeat, which is the most amazing sound I have ever heard. It brought hopes and dreams of a future and fears of the potential hurt this child will be faced with. It made me feel alive. It forced me to have faith and trust God that his will would be done regardless of me. It was a humbling experience.  I had to accept that I was at his mercy and no matter what, he would make everything okay. 

(To be continued . . .)