The Value of "Sorry": Settling Debts

“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.” - Dale E. Turner quotes

What is in a word? One can conclude there is a lot in a word, while others may conclude the opposite. I think it depends on the formula you use. Society, Context, The "Reciever," and the "Deliverer" all have a part in adding or reducing the value of words. For instance, the word "nigger" may mean nothing at all to someone in Japan, but what if that word is exchanged between two Americans strangers, one white and one black, during a heated debate at a grocery store in Georgia. Take that same word and put it between friends of the same race, culture, and origin and you may get a different value.

Words mean nothing without the meaning behind it, yet they can mean everything with it.

Recently, my word has been "sorry." It's ironic how we spend most of our lives analyzing what people have done to us, never really addressing what we do to people. Whether intentional or unintentional, I don't know one person who has never offended someone. In my case, there were several. There were several people in my life that I've had a negative encounter with, that I did/do not know the effect that encounter may have had on their lives.

This bothers me.

As a person who has been deeply hurt by people in the past, I can't live with the idea that someone may STILL be hurting because of what I did to them. Even if I feel its unjustly so, or they had fault in it as well, it just doesn't feel right to not, at least, attempt to make peace when you know someone is still hurting because of you.

So with all that, I set out this year to settle my debts. More specifically, there were three women who I have encountered over the past 6 years that I've felt could have been negatively effected by something I did. In two of these cases, I didn't feel that I did anything wrong but I knew these women could potentially still have negative feelings towards me. Either way, I felt it necessary to reach out, apologize, and open the door for dialogue.

Of course, in the back of my mind I was also considering that: this person may be completely over it and I am just kicking up old wounds by bringing it back to their attention OR this person may hate me so much they don't respond or worse, they do.

With all that taking into consideration. . . I still did it. This has been a growing experience for me. In one case, I had an old friend write a response about how they generally didn't care about me and a lot of things. (Yea, that's pretty much EXACTLY what she said.) While in the other two cases, I'm waiting for nothing or to get ripped a new one. . . fun stuff.

Would I do it again? Totally.

I think forgiveness or repentance is a two part process. Just  because one person either forgives or repents, it doesn't mean the other person has to accept. I think it's a separate journey for both individual people, which means everyone isn't always going to meet up at the same place.

Regardless, I think it's necessary. I think it's necessary because people want to hear or know that those who have hurt them feel some kind of remorse, whether that's a secret or open desire. For me, I had to consider my own feelings. There is not one person who has ever hurt me deeply that I would not appreciate an apology from. I mean, I don't loose any sleep over it, but if anyone of them ever reached out to say sorry, I would appreciate that.

For me, this was a humbling experience. I hope that for the people I've reached out to, this creates a space where healing can begin or closure can be achieved. I hope for those reading this, that you may be encouraged to try to right your wrongs as well. Despite the fact that I was not rewarded for this with a parade and confetti, I feel better knowing that I have made an attempt to give someone the right to closure, understanding, and peace.

I don't know, just something to do I guess. :)

Think.Happy.Thoughts.

The Crazy Things I Do For Love

"When love is not madness, it is not love." - Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Over the span of my life, I have been in 3 official relationships (4 if you include the "unofficial" one) and more if you include (which I don't) the "in-betweens". These experiences have been both good and bad but BOTH the good AND the bad, have helped to shape the woman that I am today. After each relationship, I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want in a partner. So, after my last relationship, as one would imagine, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted in "The One."

So much so, that I told God (Yes, I actually told God) EXACTLY what I wanted. On top of what I wanted, I added that I didn't want to date ANYONE who was not it. IN ADDITION TO THAT, I told God that I DID NOT WANT the acquaintance that just recently re-surfaced in my life. Especially, not him.

It wasn't that I didn't like him or wasn't attracted to him. I mean I didn't look at him "like that", nor did I know him well enough to think anything about his personality. I just remember thinking about how messed up I was and how I didn't want to be responsible for messing someone else up. I remember hanging out with him for the first time and thinking about how exhilaration it was. After recognizing the symptoms of falling, I did what I thought was best by fervently prayed against it.

With that, I pleaded with God. I prayed that he would only be a friend. JUST a friend. I was adamant about this because I was so just so tired of the "in-betweens," "almosts," and "Coudashouldawouldas." I felt like with all that I wanted, I couldn't risk falling for someone that I would potentially hurt with all my brokenness. As mentioned previously: I was a mess.

Well, you could imagine my surprise when after a few weeks (or a week. I don't really remember the exact timing) of hanging out, he asked me on a date. I almost died, I was so shocked. CRAZY THING #1: I accepted the date. At this point in my life, I wasn't even interested in anyone. I wasn't even trying to go there. I was kinda hoping that even if we did go on a date, there would still be hope for escape back into the loving arms of friendship. I was thinking, "One date shouldn't completely kill the hopes of friendship, right?"

This is usually where my best friend would say "Woman. You know he's going to fall in love," and I would laugh it off and life would proceed as normal. Not this time.

CRAZY THING #2: I fell quick. I just remember the day he came into my life (again). Everything that once seemed like a raging storm became as quite and peaceful as snow fall in a calm winter night. It was almost magical how everything changed. I remember feeling like the there was no hope left in the world and then everything just made sense. So much so, that even my friends noticed and commented on the change. This is something that I just don't do. Every other relationship took years to establish. With him. . . not so much.

CRAZY THING #3: I put it ALL on the table. I felt so deeply about this man, I told him EVERYTHING. This may not mean a lot to everyone but let's just say my closest friends don't know EVERYTHING.I don't like sharing my inner most thoughts and feeling, nor do I like sharing everything I've ever been through with everyone. Everyone doesn't understand everything. Another girl with intimacy issues, go figure. Long story short, he got the full picture quick and with full detail.

CRAZY THING #4: I put down my shield and waited for him to judge me. I can count my moments of pure vulnerability with anyone on one hand and this man came into my life for less than a month before I took down the fence, let the dogs run free, and fired all the guards. I let him in. All the way in.

CRAZY THING #5: I gave him ALL my time. People didn't see me anymore. . . and if they did. . . he was there too. CRAZY THING #6: I sacrificed my power to him. I mean, he didn't start telling me when to use the bathroom BUT for the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. . . I felt 100% comfortable with another human being's judgment. Even when I didn't feel 100% comfortable, I still felt like I would give it a try because I trusted his decisions. I have trust issue, but with him you couldn't tell.

CRAZY THING #7: I sacrifice being comfortable for him. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do. . . PDA (Public Displays of Affection). No hand holding. No hugging. No nothing. Not only do I not do PDA but I don't do anything I don't want to. Not the case here. I love being close to him, no matter whether we are alone or among a billion people. He makes it all worth it. On top of that, I want to (for the most part) participate in the things he likes JUST BECAUSE.

Is that nauseating or what?

It didn't take long for me to recognize that I was in love. The last CRAZY THING #8 is that I don't give up on him. I mean sometimes I try but that is where he holds it together. My motto: "When things get tough. . . get going." With all that I've been through, I would willingly abandon ship at any sign or turmoil. He has helped me see that there is another way.

Apparently, I've met my match. . . and that is worth every sacrifice that I've had to make. In other relationships, I thought they were "it", so I did "Crazy things" to hold it together. In this case, I do "Crazy Things" or things outside of my comfort zone because of love. Love is God's greatest gift, which is fully worth the "Crazy."

Even through disagreements and battles, I know that he is the only one I want to fight with. He is the only one I want to do crazy things for. He is the only one I love.

Feel free to share some of the crazy things you do for love!

Until next time. . . THINK.HAPPY.THOUGHTS

HBCU L♥VE. . .

"I am not tragically colored. There is no great sorrow dammed up in my soul, nor lurking behind my eyes. I do not mind at all." -Zora Neale Hurston 

I just want to start by paying tribute to where this love began. This love of my skin, my heritage, and the blood that flows through me. This love of truth, because it set me free. I pay tribute to my Alma Mater Spelman College for giving me and education that was worth more than I could have ever hoped for.

This post is not just for Black people. I think we all do a good job of having conversations in our quiet, inner circles but we do not do a good job of having those conversations out loud. In the open, where not only people like me can hear but people who are not like me. In this, "like me" doesn't only mean skin color, nor does it only mean "poor" or "middle-class". "Like me" can mean female, intelligent, medium height, or just human. We have more in common than we would like to put on.

Yet, there are differences and for those differences are the very reason why I will continue to sing praises to HBCUs.

I remember the day I fell in love with HBCUs. It was during Spelbound, an over-night stay at Spelman for girls who are considering attending, and I still wasn't sure if I would go to Spelman or Agnes Scott. I wasn't raised in a family that helped you prep for the SATs or who even had a long line of people that attended traditional colleges. I was pretty much alone on figuring out what route I was going to take. Thank God for divine order, because the only reason I even got to Spelbound was because Spelman sent me and application in the mail, I filled it out and later found that I was accepted.

I wanted to go to UGA. For what reason, I don't really know. I think that at that point that's where most of my counterparts (of lighter persuasions) were considering, so I figured it was the best school for me. The issue is that UGA would be perfect for them because they knew who they were and their history. They knew that the only thing standing between them and their goals was the motivation to get there. They could do anything. As much as I believe the same for all people, that we ALL can do ANYTHING. . . There's a lot more standing in the way for some of us than others.

I remember driving up to Spelbound with my mom, looking out the window at the women of Spelman cheering upon our arrival. When I tell you it was like stepping into a time-zone. . . I thought I was in a different world. The campus was beautiful, but even more beautiful was that this was the first time in my life I was surrounded by so many beautiful, educated, Black women. When I tell you, I was sold when I got home, I didn't even think twice about going to Agnes Scott's over-night. Again, nothing against Agnes Scott but this "Spelman" was unique.

In my 18 years of education, the most I learned about the wonderful things that Black people could be capable of was in my 4 years at Spelman. After Honors classes, predominantly white schools, the news, and the history I was taught, I knew that some Black people could be great but somewhere in my heart I also felt that we as a people were condemn to mediocrity. I still feel that education is one of our most powerful weapons as people but in education, we need to know the answers of why: Why do Black people have a history of not voting? Why do Black people perm their hair and bleach their skin? Why is Black ugly?

I love HBCUs because, in my opinion, it's the one place in the world tailored towards the success of Black people and breaking the cycles of our history. HBCUs give Black people the education to understand and to communicate the issues of our community to make the change.

I once heard someone say "Well, why would you go to a HBCU when the world is not like that. You have to learn how to deal with other people." I believe the answer is in the argument. I went to an HBCU because the world is not like it. It's unique in that it was the only time that I could be free to learn on my own terms and feel good about being who I am. I believe HBCUs cultivate Black people with the confidence to go into a society that the more successful you get, the lighter you are, and stand firm, knowing that they are still capable beings.

I believe that the majority of the institutions that are Historically White, meaning at some point people of color were not allowed in and even after are still very limited, have been doing the same thing HBCUs are doing for decades. Yet no one says to them, "Well, why would you have a school that's predominantly white, when in the world you are the minority. Don't you have to learn to deal with everyone?" Of course there are laws that aim for percentages but that doesn't change the culture. The difference is that they are already in their "HBCU," we are the outsiders.

I understand not every Black person will want to go to an HBCU, nor should they have to, nor can I say that it is best for them. I can only speak from my experience. This is just why I love HBCUs.

My only advice is that we all be aware of where we came from so that we don't repeat ourselves. I ask that we all check ourselves for inklings of self-hate and we all find a space where we can be free to grow with out the unnecessary hindrances that someone long before you set up to trap you. I hope that one day, schools teach ALL history and there would be no need for places that only focus on one group, but until that day. . . I believe in HBCUs.